Scared of Lonely
by Aurvelia Belmort
Summary: In an age of peace, her surroundings are calm and reassuring. Yet Sakura's mind is more chaotic than ever.
1. Walls

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

 **Chapter I: Walls**

Silence. That was the only thing that filled my ear. Not quite, a voice inside my mind said. Numerous battles had ensured me that the sizzling sound in my ear would never leave my side, a gift received from enemy bombing. I swallowed. I don't know if that thought just saddened me even more.  
The idea that I would never ever truly enjoy the sound of pure silence again.  
I try to close my eyes but I can't help but stare at the blank wall in front of me. I feel a cold come over me and I tug the blankets further up, almost up to my ears. _Was this it?_ Was this my life?  
I turn around and stare at ceiling, wondering if the four surrounding walls would be my only companions for the rest of my life.  
I thought that living on my own would make me happy. And yes, I was glad to be away from my family. Not that I didn't love my parents or I didn't need them but I wanted my own space. My own place.  
And here I was. Alone. In my own space.

After the war life had been quite… hazy. Sometimes I couldn't quite remember what has occurred between now and five years ago. Somewhere along the road, Kakashi-sensei had become Hokage. Sasuke was pardoned and left the village to search for himself. And Naruto… I can't repress a smile when I'm thinking of him. Naruto is a hero. I only feel warmth when I think of all the people surrounding him. He deserved it so much. Every single bit of attention. All those times he missed out…  
I let out another sigh, turning my head toward the alarm clock to see time. It was only ten.  
I'm not tired enough to sleep and yet I have no idea what else to do. I can't read _another book_ , I have done that for the last four years every night. I can't write an article. I don't feel like it. I don't want to do anything _medical_ anymore outside of my job. Not that I don't enjoy it, I just… _don't feel like_ _it._  
I toss and turn but can't seem to find sleep. Or what _I need._ I ignore the words echoing loudly in my mind and try to distract myself.  
I think about training. About work. I think about thinking. Then I think about people I know. About people I don't know and about people I would want to know. I've been thinking about traveling meeting people outside of this village but… I can't leave everyone behind. I can't just quit my job!  
'Aah!' I ball up my fist. 'I'm tired,' I say to no-one in particular. 'I can't keep fighting… I feel like I'm running out of time.' I can feel a burning feeling in my throat. 'I don't want to be lonely anymore…'  
I feel warm tears fall down to my ears. No one to comfort me. No one to hold me.  
I hate lonely.  
I curse my weakness, telling myself I don't need anyone. _I'm fine._  
I just hate these blank walls.

* * *

I have never written anything quite like this and I'm not entirely sure where I am going with this but I just felt the need to post this. Leave comment/review with your thoughts!


	2. Disappear

**Chapter II: Disappear**

If I begged and even if I cried, would you stay tonight? Would it change anything at all?  
If I'm being honest with myself, none of the things I have longed for has given me any light.  
I mostly feel like there is no hope at all, as if it as all just a figment of my imagination.  
I stare at your dark eyes.  
You give me a solid blank expression, as always.  
I can't help it though, my heart stays faithful to only you. After five years, I can't let go.  
Though when I think about it, we don't have a lot in comment. And every memory of me with you, makes me cringe. I swallow uncomfortable and stare at my feet dangling over the railing of the balcony.  
The silence doesn't seem to bother you.  
Sometimes I wonder if you are truly the answer to all my problems. But I've waited for you for so long…  
I turn my head, nervously tucking a few lose strands of hair behind my ear.  
I see you looking at me.  
'How is the world?' I eventually ask. I wish hadn't sound so sarcastic when asking. Or was it more anger that was hiding in my voice? Either way, it made me sound like typical plain old Sakura.  
'I've met interesting people,' he simply answered.  
 _How are you, Sakura?_ I ask myself when he doesn't. My eyes wander over the city before me. Lights, excitement was filling the night sky.  
 _I'm miserable_ , I answer myself. I hate being alone after all this time. I hate doing the same thing over and over, every single day. I hate coming home and find no one waiting for me. I hate the glimpse of my reflection in mundane objects when catch myself waiting for you…  
As I say all of this in my mind, I catch you looking at a group of people. Probably out of boredom. Or perhaps you sincerely don't know how to act around me.  
'I've been given a task by Kakashi,' you say out of the blue, 'I accepted it…'  
'Oh,' I bring out, not quite sure how I'm supposed to react to that. I can't bare another cringe scene of me telling you not to go. I bit my lip, finally letting the angry thoughts go.  
Inside my head makes an assumption. Perhaps I will never be able to share anything with you.  
Like you have never done with me.  
Because when I think about it…  
I don't think I ever really cared. Most of the time I just closed my eyes and ignore the far more dark part of your existence.  
When I was younger… I was too consumed with myself. Too consumed with other more frivolous matters to care about any of it. And as I grew older, I just wanted you to understand I wasn't as hollow as I came off, that a part of me did love you and _wanted_ to understand you.  
And now that we are here and I don't know if… if it is _enough._ If what I have to offer you is enough.  
'I'm leaving tomorrow morning,' you then tell me. Your dark eyes bore into mine, leaving me speechless.  
Why can't you be hideous and uninteresting?  
Silence lingers long in the air but I don't care. I don't know what to answer you. I have a vow now.  
A vow of me telling myself that I will not _chase_ after you. I will not _go_ after you. You will come to me. You will _want_ me.  
And you would tell me.  
'Good,' I answer faking a smile. 'Naruto would be upset to see you leave during his birthday-party!'  
I turn around and jump off the ledge. He isn't that much taller than me. I can tell he can tell I'm lying.  
My mind points out that the fact that though he notices, he doesn't say anything about it.  
As I leave to go back to the party, I hear your footsteps following me. That used to make me smile. A genuine smile not like the one I had just faked. Yet I can feel my lips not moving a muscle.  
Somewhere along the years it had disappeared without notice. Just like you did the next morning.

* * *

I don't know about the pairing yet…


	3. Save the hero

**Chapter III: Save the Hero**

I stare at you in thought.  
I sometimes kick myself for letting you slip through my fingers. Your enthusiasm and wisdom make me feel foolish and empty. Realizing that throughout our friendship, I've been the idiot.  
I chuckle when I see children smile at you. Or perhaps it is that endearing smile of yours that makes me like you and this scene all the more.  
Sometimes I can't help but ponder how life with you must be. Exciting.  
You would've adored me. You would've wanted me from head to my toes. You would _never_ leave my side. You would make it all so easy…  
But then I see her charming smile, her innocence and how she saw you for what really where from the very beginning.  
I get up from my chair and walk up to you both, happily greeting you. Truly happy to see you.  
I ask you how you are. You give me your usual goofy grin. Hinata only smiles shyly while listening to you talk. The look in her eyes makes me smile.  
That is how I would _want_ it.  
 _That is how it should be._  
 _Love._  
I sigh at the thought but pretend it was something you said. A reaction towards a usual habit of yours, talking too loud. Though, over the years, none of your annoying habits annoy me anymore. But I still pretend they do. Just so these things never change. Just so _we_ never change.  
You both invite me over for dinner but I decline. I lie and tell you have some work to do.  
We say our goodbyes and in my mind I dare to think of holding on to you a little longer, just to know how it feels. I call myself an idiot again.  
I promise I'll talk to you soon. Which is another lie.  
As I walk in the other direction, I can't help but turn around to stare at you one more time.  
I see you put your arm around her.  
Finally a shoulder for you to lean on, Naruto. Somebody to save the hero… I can't repress a sad smile.  
Yet an image crosses my mind. Where I am her and she is me.  
 _Don't be so selfish. Don't be so low, Sakura_ , a voice in my head says. I turn on my heels and walk off.  
I swallow the lump in my throat. I don't know why I feel the way I feel. With every step I take, I drag my feet back home. It is starting to snow. I look up at the grey sky and see how the day is already over.  
I hate this time of the year. Which is weird because as a child I loved it. Winter.  
I think of a time, long ago and another thought crosses my mind.  
How did I stray so far of what I used to be and what I wanted to become?  
Now I feel like I'm neither. Like I'm nothing.  
I stare at a couple with children.  
Though I don't long to be a mother yet, I suddenly remember thinking as child I that I would be pregnant with my first by now.  
My heartbeat increases. _  
If things were different, if things had went the way I had planned, would I've been a mother by now?_  
Do I not long for it because I know I can't or because I have the knowledge to know that I'm not ready yet?  
And if this knowledge, that I claim is _true_ , would've stayed unknown… Would I've found myself in a position of ignorance but yet utterly bliss? Does all this knowledge lead to anything…?  
'You're overthinking thinking again, Sakura,' I say to myself.  
 _You're also talking to yourself out loud again, Sakura_ , my inner voice says. I sigh and walk home.  
Alone.


	4. How it could be

**Chapter IV: How it could be**

I groan. I know who it is at my door.  
Again she knocks.  
'SAKURA!'  
Her high-pitch scream make me cringe and I want to roll my eyes at the dramatic act she's pulling at my front door. I pull the covers over my face, knowing that even though I hide myself from the room, I will not evaporate in to thin air. No matter how hard I concentrate.  
'SAKURA!' she repeats.  
With a huff I throw the sheets off myself and I yell back. 'Moment, Ino-PIG!'  
I emphasis the last part hoping it will at least annoy her as much as her screaming annoys me. I take a glimpse at the mirror before opening the door. I don't look too good but there is no time to cover it up. I drag my feet and open the door with a sigh. I already look bad so I worsen it by looking as unappreciative as I can. I don't feel like talking to her. She _annoys_ me. More than _ever._  
'What is it, pig?' I ask dryly.  
Ino pushes me aside and invites herself in. I can tell she's in a lighthearted mood, making her louder than usual and incredibly _understandable_. Which is a nice way of saying she was going to put her nose in my business, as usual, and act as if she knew all the answers to my problems.  
'Why are you in here? It's such a beautiful day!' she squeals excitingly while opening the windows.  
It has snowed and the entire village is covered, the clear blue sky only make the view more surreal. I can't help but stare and actual appreciate her opening the windows to make me see the world around me.

At least some things were still worth seeing.

Turning on her heels, she puts her hands on her hips and gives me a typical look of disapproval.  
'I worry about you,' she then adds.  
I roll my eyes and let out _another sigh_. 'Why?'  
'Because all you do is sit by yourself! You're always so quiet! _Everyone_ is worrying about you!'  
'There is nothing going on,' I shrug. And I mean that. I don't think there is anything anyone could do for me. I _really_ don't mind being alone. I don't _hate_ my life. I just… I don't know how to express it, so I don't. I just shrug it off.  
'Come on! Sai and I are going to go to the main street! There are like a ton of stances! Food, hot coco! You know things we love—you love, I correct her in my mind—and we want you to come with us!' she happily announces. It is not a real invite nor is it a mere suggestion. It is a _fact_. Something I'd have to do to please her and to keep everyone content. Or else something _really_ could be wrong with me.

I keep a distance. I feel like a child being taken out by her parents. _An overgrown child_ , a voice in my head snide. I feel stupid and out of place. I see Ino holding onto Sai, for dear life. _It annoys me_.  
I halt, pretending to look at the stance of the uninteresting decoration shop. I bite the inside of my cheek. Thinking. _Again._  
Why I can't be like _that_?  
I take a glance at the two and all sort of thoughts run through my head.  
Happy. Unrestricted. In love. Odd. Unfitting. _Together._  
 _A glimpse of how it could be_ , the snide voice remarks. I nod.  
 _But not how it is_ , I say back.


	5. I care

**Chapter V: I care**

There is a ruckus. Chaos surrounding me. But I enjoy it. The quick movements.

The satisfying feeling of thinking about the answer, putting it into play and seeing how it actually _works.  
_ Today is kind of a blur, one of those days I hardly get time to think. I think of them as my happiest, most carefree days. Ironically it's _these days_ that make all my problems stand out even more.  
But as I do my rounds, which is a very long list of patients that will keep me busy till close to midnight, I don't let my mind wander about it. Most of my patients are shinobi.  
As I enter one door particularly, I can see the man's eyes lit up. I try to play it coolly, and for the most part, I manage to succeed. I hide my blush. I normally pretend to disapprove. Well, at least in most cases.  
Because that is how you _have to_ behave. Not just as a professional medic.  
You never just indulge in a compliment. You always have to keep your guard up. That is simply how it is with _every being_. Man or woman. Human or animal.

Even your loved ones could feast upon your flesh.

But inside, I have the pleasing feeling of being find attractive. To be find beautiful _. To be wanted._  
Yet… whenever I look back, I cannot return the feeling. Nothing.

Well, either that or their significant other enter the room. I read on my paper their state of marriage or see the number two at the amount of children question.

I sigh.

I let myself fall onto a chair. I'm tired, I acknowledge to myself yet I smile when a colleague passes my by.  
'Sakura,' a familiar voice calls out. I turn around, truly smiling when hearing the familiar voice.  
'Tsunade,' I nod.  
She invites me for a drink. I never decline an invite.

We talk about a lot of things. Work. Kakashi. Naruto. Even Sasuke.  
I take her in and realize my whole world is based on her. My mentor. A mother.  
I can't imagine my life without you. I would still be that weak, timid girl, if it weren't for you. We've worked so hard to become what we are… you worked so hard to make me _this person_.  
With that thought, I feel my heart break. I see how your mouth stops moving.  
'What is it?' you ask me.  
I try to swallow my pain. I don't like _this person_. I feel… lonely being this person.  
I admit that for the first time to myself. Yet I can't find the strength to do so out loud. To say those words to you…  
'I just…'  
She lowers her gaze, looking at her drink before taking a sip of it.  
'Don't worry,' I hear her murmur. 'I know you feel lonely.'  
I don't know why but I feel like the entire café has quieted down and heard you say that. As my eyes go through the room, I can say with certainty that no one has heard a word of what we have been saying.  
I take a deep breath, feeling my hands tremble. I aimlessly swirl the glass around, trying to hide my anxiousness.  
'I feel lonely too,' she then admitted. 'I miss them… I know you—she halted, uncertain of how to put the words. I don't' know if I want her to continue or not. I can see her think.  
'You know after a while, you get used to it...'  
I don't know if you are talking about me or yourself. Your cool eyes look directly into mine. It makes me feel as if you are looking into my soul.  
It scares me.  
'I knew from the moment I saw you, you would, _someday_ , endure this… _agony_. You were a bit unrealistic as young girl.'  
Anyone else saying that to me would get punched but when it comes out of your mouth, I nod and admit to myself that that is the absolute truth.  
'So what do I do?' I ask her.  
This conversation is turning into a blur. I suddenly can't remember getting to this point. It all feels unreal too. Maybe it is because I'm now saying words out loud I normally don't even dare to say in my mind.

I ask myself if I am dreaming.

'After a while, you… let go,' she said stern. 'You let go of the vision you've made up. You accept it. You care less of how _it could be_ and _see how it is_. Which is not half as bad as you think it is.'  
I frown, uncertain what to say.  
'A lot has happened, maybe you need some time to give it all a place…in your head. And in your heart,' she points at me chest. 'I know you imagined Sasuke by your side…'  
I can tell you are uneasy by mentioning his name this time. I can feel my heart beat loudly when I place my hand on it in response to your gesture.  
I know you hate hurting me as much as _I_ hate _hurting you_.  
So I nod in understanding and never dare to utter the names of your loved ones.  
I wanted to say you had a fragment of what could've been… You had your little bit of heaven.  
'Maybe,' I mumble. You change the subject and I listen less intently and think about the words you said.

 _After a while you care less.  
_  
But I know you now _care less_ because you've had your life. You are twice my age and older and I understand your vision, you have loved. You have hurt. You have cried but…  
I… have not. I have yet to love. To cry. _To feel_.  
I still long for the same things as I did as a young girl.

Above all… I _still_ care.


	6. Mission

**Chapter VI: Mission**

'Sakura,' he greets me happily.  
It is still odd to see him sitting behind that desk. Where my former sensei once sat. And where my teammate would someday sit… I ponder for moment who will be next in line after Naruto.  
'Hokag—'Kakashi,' he corrects me.  
I kind of stare in awe before I realizing no one is around and we are alone.  
I slightly smile before saying your name. 'Kakashi.'  
'We've been through a little too much to be so formal with one another,' he says nonchalantly while he neatly stacks papers to the right side of his desk.  
I simply nod, not really sure how I feel about it. It feels kind of odd in all honestly. His name doesn't role off my tongue without being able to add the "sensei" part.  
'I, uh,' he starts uncomfortable and completely avoids making eye-contact with me. I frown at first, not entirely understanding the situation. When I see him struggle with finding the right words, my heart sinks. This could only mean one thing.  
 _Ino._  
I squint my eyes and curse her.  
'It has come to my attention that—'Listen I don't need special treatment or anything! _I'm fine_! Whatever Ino has been spreading around, it's,' I halt and hesitate for a moment, ' _nothing_ ,' I manage to eventually bring out. I see how you gawk at me and blink a couple of times before your lazy expression returns.  
'I was actually going to say you haven't gone out on a mission for a very long time…' You then mutter.  
As you say the words I get an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. It is incredible how quickly you can sense you have made mistake. I feel incredibly stupid.  
'I didn't want you to lose your skill and I thought the mission…' You halt, uncertain if you should even continue.  
Great, now _you_ are worried about me!  
'I,' I first click my tongue trying to figure out what type of excuse I could use.  
I sigh, you look too alarmed to be snoozed off with lame words. I let out another sigh.  
'That was a bit…'  
'Unnecessary?'  
Your humorous way of putting things make me snicker and I can't help but laugh at my own stupidity.  
'I'm well aware of you being a bit of a loner these days,' you then say, which makes me abruptly stop and stare at you. 'I don't need Ino to tell me anything… I keep up with _my_ _precious students_.'  
I tilt my head at that remark and ignore the playful smirk on your lips.  
'I do.' You exaggerate.  
When I don't response, you give me this hurt expression which, ironically, makes me roll my eyes.  
'So I thought it would be best if you took a break from nosy people like Ino and Naruto—'Naruto?' I ask.  
'He might've mention you but like I said _,_ I keep up. And _I do_ actually have a mission for you.'  
'You do?' I ask, not being able to hide my surprise and curiosity.  
'Sasuke has contacted me.'  
I can't help but take a breath. I feel something weird go through my veins. Something toxic. And yet a bit of excitement too.  
It's not like Sasuke asked for you, I tell myself, Kakashi is merely suggesting _you_ should go.  
'He didn't request for you,' he says which confirms my thoughts.  
For some reason I actually feel a bit disappointed. Not that I longed for him asking for me, I just long for any other feeling but the one I always feel. _Rejection._  
'But I think in between the lines—'We're not like that,' I flatly tell him.  
'Excuse me?'  
'We're not… _in love_ ,' I tell you uncomfortable while emphasizing what everybody was always speculating.  
That actually felt even more odd to say than when I had to say your name, I mentally note.

'Are you sure?'

His voice echoes through my head and my eyes widened.  
What an absurd question! Of course!  
I give you an angry, unappreciative look but you seem unfazed. You just keep staring at me and I suddenly notice how dark your eyes are. They kind of disarm me.  
Maybe I've only notice it now because there is no longer _one_ lazy eye staring at me, I note.  
And I can't remember the last time you gave me such hard look either.  
'I'm no… expert.' You shrug, obviously still a bit hesitant to continue the conversation. Yet as a sensei, you feel obliged to do so. I can tell. And so I listen.  
Also because Kakashi's voice is most soothing. It is always collected and calm. It makes sense when the rest is a blur. I guess a sentimental part of me clings onto how he always handles everything with ease.

'I know you might not think it but… I know how you _feel_. Sort of.'  
I'm a bit stunned to say the least. Yet my mind is already arguing against you.  
That is the problem, I don't _feel_ anything. I don't feel like _doing_ anything.  
'I won't bore you with details but… you should go out and look for answers. You have to look for something _outside_ of your usual routine.'  
I quirk up an eyebrow.  
You reach out to give me the mission scroll. I hesitantly stare at it before looking up back at you.  
'Go see if there is truly _nothing_ out there, instead of _pondering_ about it.'


	7. Touch

**Chapter VII: Touch**

Head down, I watch how my feet hit the ground. Step by step, I'm getting closer to you. I look up and feel a sharp breeze meet my cheeks, making me take in the cool air.

Had I not promised myself I would never run after you again?

I felt the nauseating feeling of betrayal overwhelm me. But Kakashi's words had such impact on me that I could no longer deny the truth. I couldn't go on like this. I had to _change_. _Something_ had to change.  
I frown at my own thoughts. Here I was going on about myself, when in truth this mission was for the village. Well, not really. It was a request from Sasuke.

I move at quicker pace, pondering if accepting this mission was a mistake.

I underestimated the severeness of the situation. I try to keep my touch featherlight but I can tell he's in pain. I speed up my movements, taking note that I had made it just in time. I take no further risks and inject an antidote hoping it is efficient enough to reverse the effect of the poison quickly. I pause for a moment. For the first time since entering the room I'm aware Sasuke is behind me, _watching me_.  
I ignore him and further tend the patient. Trying to subdue his fever and ease his pain.  
His eye creep open and he gives me a stare blank. Normally this doesn't take me by surprise but his yellow eyes are unusual. I swallow when he grabs my hand hovering above his cheek.  
The strange caress of his thumb makes me hold my breath.

It was a strange type of touch to receive from such a young boy.

His eyes flutter shut and he loses consciousness again. I put his hand to rest next to him and sit patiently by his side. Though we haven't spoken, I already care deeply about his well-being. Speaking of caring…  
I take a glance at Sasuke, who is leaning against the wall, waiting for me to explain the situation.  
'We need to wait a little,' I inform him coolly.  
He only nods, staying silent as always.

You have yet to say your first words to me.

'How did he get poisoned?' I ask nonchalantly.  
'A fight.'  
I let out a tired sigh. I could've guessed that myself, I was hoping on a bit more information. But I can't be bothered, I have enough experience and training to do so without. But still…  
I simply shrug at the feelings of annoyance and tiredness, telling myself that certain things wouldn't change …just like Tsunade had said.

I mindlessly stroke the hair out of his sweaty face. I frown, only now realizing he looks kind of familiar.

At that moment Sasuke decides to speak up. 'He's… Orochimaru's son.'

The revelation is shocking to say the least so my hands halts. So many question run through my head, ones that would be senseless to ask a normal person but we were talking about Orochimaru, a man anything but ordinary. …Was this boy some sort of experiment?

I patiently wait for you to continue talking.

'He followed me.' You tell me as I hear your footsteps closing on me. I tense up yet straighten my back defiantly, no longer letting your presence get under my skin.  
'I think Orochimaru might've talked him into it.'  
'W-what do you mean?' I manage to bring out, slightly looking over my shoulder to see how close you are. You kneel down next to me, looking at the boy's face.  
'I had to visit him…' You turn your head to look at me. Your expression is stoic and unreadable always, making me only guess where this conversation could be leading to.  
'It's a long story.'  
I blankly stare back.  
'Point is, he is probably not fully human.'

Are you? A snide voice asks in my head. For once, I'm not scowling at it. If I could, I'd nod and repeat the question out loud.

'He could be up to something,' he says about the boy while avoiding my eyes again.  
'Why do you think he followed you?' I simply ask.  
'Orochimaru told him about me being his student… At first he saw me as some sort of…. rival. And now, for some reason, he wants me to train him.'

'Doesn't Orochimaru train him?' I asked confused.

You stare back at the boy and simply shrug.

I feel myself fall. I startle myself awake and look around. The room is dark and I'm feeling cold. The boy is still out. Sasuke still hasn't come back, I note.  
I roll my shoulders, my back aches.  
I let out a sigh, hoping I could get into bed soon. I check the clock and feel the boys skin. Still burning hot. He's no longer in pain but he's having a hard time fighting off the poison. Tiredly I rub my eyes, trying to fight off the sleep and think of another way of lowering the boy's fever.

'N-no, I won't.'

I flutter my eyes open and look at the boy, whose eyes are still closed. Probably dreaming. I can tell he's tensing up so I try to calm him down, using the cold cloth in my hand to ease him into wakening up while trying to cool off his burning forehead. My attempt is a success. His eyes flutter open.

I get startle by his yellow eyes again.

They make me feel uneasy. Perhaps it's the unnatural coloring that causes that.  
Or, my mind adds maliciously, the last time we saw a pair of eyes like that the world was turned upside down. Though I harbor hate towards his creator for different reasons, far more inhuman reasons, I still hate Orochimaru for unleashing all of the hate inside of Sasuke. I wonder from time to time how the word would look without him becoming the man he was today.

….Would we've fallen apart?

'I'm not going back.' He hisses. Like a snake.  
I quirk up an eyebrow, hushing him immediately. 'You don't have to go anywhere,' I whisper.  
'You need to get better first… Just rest for now.'  
His eyes widen and he gives me a long stare, which eventually makes me feel uncomfortable. The silence in the room isn't helping. All I hear is his heavy breathing and my heart pounding loudly in my ears.  
'You? I-I thought I had imagine you…'  
'I'm a friend of Sasuke,' I tell him, trying to calm him down a bit.  
'I'm Mitsuki,' he gives me a small smile, which I immediately return. 'I'm Sakura.'  
He doesn't say anything else and simply stares at me with those inhuman eyes.

'Don't touch her.'

I frown at the sudden outburst before feeling a familiar shiver run down my spine. I turn my head, grab a kunai, turn around half-kneeling and hold the weapon out for me.

'Why are you here?' I ask at the figure in the shadows.

'Well, this is _my house_.'

I loathe his voice. His slithering, cold, barbaric voice.

I feel my blood turn cold when he approaches me, seeing him appear out of shadows next to the door.

'Sasuke didn't tell you?' he asks politely.

I only answer with a scowl and an angry look.

No, the bastard rarely says anything, an angry voice in my head shouts.

'I guess not…' He flashes a smile before walking further into the room.

Orochimaru hasn't aged one bit since the last time I saw him. As a matter of fact, he looked even younger. I eye him from top to toe, which only widens his smirk but I don't care. I'm simply stunned out how such a despicable person can still be around, alive and well that is.

'Don't come close to me,' the boy speaks up.

I slightly turn my head to take a look at him, he doesn't seem to like his father much more then I do. I realize now that he hadn't been dreaming earlier but Orochimaru had been talking to him. They must be connected in some way. I suddenly make a point out of the fact this boy probably has no mother.

….right?

I look back at Orochimaru and wonder where the hell Sasuke is. Did he know about him coming here? What do I do? I don't care for either of them. I mean I care about the boys health but neither of the two have anything to do with me. This mission solely exists because Sasuke asked Kakashi.

'Mitsuki does not have… a normal body. He is a synthetically made.'  
'So?' I ask.  
'So your antidote works differently on him,' he states.

Now I feel a blush creep on my cheeks. I'm a bit embarrassed and mostly angry at myself for not thinking about that. Well, how the hell was I supposed to now? Nobody ever tells me anything!

'I'm sure it will work but this,' he says while picking out a tube out of his pocket, 'will speed up the process.'  
He throws it at me and I catch it, immediately taking a glimpse at it. It's a blue fluid and it glisters in the dark.  
'See it as a booster.'  
I'm a bit reluctant to say the least so I look at the boy. To my surprise he nods and whispers it's alright.  
I take a needle and inject into his body. When he loses consciousness, I look alarmed at the Sanin, who tells me that is a normal reaction. He'll even be up in a few hours.

'I'm afraid his body has flaws… Does not get easily hurt but unfortunately the healing process of full human is still far more superior than his.'

'Poison is his worst enemy,' I mumble thoughtlessly out loud.

'Correct.'

I jump up when I hear how close he has gotten, to which he smirks. I angrily take a step back.  
He gives me false upset look, as if it is a great mystery to him why I would not trust him nor like being around him.

'My, my,' he starts. 'You're all grown up…'

He eyes me the same way I did him earlier, except he does it on such a way it could almost be considered perverse. I note to myself evil men like to do that. It emphasize their cruelty. I also remind myself that I can be quite cruel myself, so there is no need for me to feel so much fear. I tighten my fists when thinking that.

'Sakura Haruno,' he states my name. 'You were once quite close to dear Sasuke, were you not?'

I don't even bother to answer that question.

'Tsunade's apprentice…'

'I know who I am and who I once was,' I answer sharply. 'No need to inform me of what I already know.'

He snickers, amused by my temper. Something that probably reminds him of his former teammate as well. He surprises me by taking another step towards me yet I command my body to not move a muscle. I'm not letting this man intimidate me either.

'Where is Sasuke?' I ask him.  
'I wouldn't know.'

Another step taken forward.

His yellow eyes are all I can see.

I don't know why he taking such an interest in me. I feel like he's looking right into my soul. I catch myself almost taking a small hesitant step back. I straighten my posture, put my chin up and defiantly stare back at him. Staying completely still, yet my mind is a frenzy.

What does he want?

His presence makes my skin crawl.

My stubbornness had made me violate my own barriers because suddenly he's far too close for my liking.

'You have changed,' he notes. My lips are sealed and I can't find the wit to answer him.  
He's so close I can feel his breath on me. He brings his mouth to my ear while my eyes widen in surprise.

Why am I _not_ moving?

I can feel his mouth lightly touch my ear when he speaks up.

'You have a darkness inside of you.'

* * *

NOTE: This Mitsuki is obviously not the Mitsuki of the Boruto-series. I read he had an "older" brother (with the same name), so let's just go with that.

Let me know your thoughts on this chapter by leaving a comment/review!


	8. Hunger

**Chapter VIII: Hunger**

I quickly took several steps back, pushing him off me.  
'Get away from me,' I hiss at him.  
I feel my heart pumping and blood rushing through my veins. Angry. Insulted by his words I glare at him hatefully.  
I was in no way a prey of his. **  
**He only smirks in return. His snakelike tongue roams over his lips, as if to emphasize his inhumanity again.  
I find it repulsive as always and coolly keep my eyes on his, ignoring the action.  
'I was hoping to find a replacement for Kabuto…'  
His arm reaches out and extends so his hand touches my arm again.  
I flinch before hitting it away with the palm of my hand, using a much more brute force then I had intended.  
'Stay away,' I repeat. 'I will never be one of _your pawns_ ,' I speak up. 'I know _my worth_!'  
He only smirks again before speaking up.  
'But you cannot deny that you find this specimen interesting…' His hand makes a gesture towards the young boy lying behind him. 'You've thought about it… to _create_. To _know._ Isn't there a part of you that wants _more_?'  
I feel my body tremble a little.  
He steps away from me and slowly becomes a part of the shadows again. Only his yellow eyes stand out in the darkness.  
'Should you desire for _more_ … You just ask _Sasuke_ where to find me.'  
He then disappears and I stand frozen. His words tolling around in my head. As does _his_ name. Sasuke. It echoes on and on.  
I look around and find myself alone in the dark again. Knowing the boy is out cold, I let out a wavering sigh. That was close.

Too close.

I get woken by the delightful smell of breakfast. Eggs.  
Before I open my eyes, I loosen up my neck a little. It aches from sleeping against the wall. I flutter my eyes open thinking to find the boy there, to see him walk around like Orochimaru had predicted.  
To my surprise the figure before me is much taller. Dark. Mature. Quiet. 'Sasuke?'  
'I heard Orochimaru visited you…' he answers, getting straight to the point.  
'He gave the boy an extra dose of something,' I immediately answer while getting up.  
'Of _something_?' he echoes.  
The snide in his voice makes me reluctant to sit down and eat with him but my stomach disagrees on the idea of leaving, purely for survival reasons. I haven't eaten in two days.  
'It was something _not_ intended for _humans_ …' I answer sharply back while taking a glance at the boy.  
I gasp when I notice he's gone. I go in the room to check if he isn't anywhere else but he's nowhere to be seen.  
'I send him out…' Sasuke informs me, while leaning on the counter. I turn on my heels and give him a dirty look.  
'He needs to rest!'  
'He's not my problem,' he shrugs. 'He wants me to train him just to spite Orochimaru.'  
'What exactly did you send him out to do?' I ask while walking back to the kitchen area.  
Sasuke ignores my question and to my surprise simply serves me breakfast as I sit down at the table. I feel uncomfortable eating while he watches me, so I try to make him talk.  
'Where have you been?' I ask in between bites.  
'Something I had to do for Kakashi…'  
I take note he doesn't bring up Orochimaru again. Not that I mind, I don't want Sasuke to know what has been said. I don't want him to see me as weak or vulnerable… because I wasn't. I worked hard and long to be who I was today and I wouldn't let that snake undermine me so easily. However, whenever I simply blinked I'd see his yellow eyes before me, making me realize he _had_ gotten under my skin.  
I sigh before catching Sasuke staring at me. Questionably.  
'Is there anything else you want from me?' I ask, trying to avoid the subject of Orochimaru. Realizing how that sounded I try again. 'I mean, if the boy is fine I'm going back home…'  
He nods. I can't tell if it is in agreement with what I was saying or with a constitution he had made while staring at me.

'You may leave.'

I click my tongue. The way he had just said that. I hate the fact _he_ tells me when _I_ get to _leave._  
Sasuke nonchalantly takes a bite out of an apple, probably unaware of how arrogant that had sounded.  
I try to let it go but fine myself being tempered by a voice in my head. A headstrong, angry, righteous voice.  
'Why didn't you tell me this was one of Orochimaru's hideouts? He got me by surprise and I had no idea what to do… I have no idea what the exact association still is between you two either.'  
The undertone is obvious and a part of me approves of my sniping tongue, simply because I deem it to be true. This whole deal is dubious and I no longer feel the need to ignore it for the sake of keeping peace between him and me.

'Well?' I ask harshly, my voice echoing through the room.

'It's none of your business.'

We make eye contact and I bore into his eyes. He seems unfazed as always.

'I didn't think Orochimaru would show up.'

I see him turn around and walk towards the front door. Just as he is about to open it, the boy enters.  
Mitsuki gives him a surprised look before smiling at me. I smile back, forgetting my anger towards Sasuke immediately. He's holding a paper-bag. He looks at Sasuke questionable and I see him give the boy some sort nod of approval. I quirk up an eyebrow when I see the boy walk towards me to hand the bag over.  
I can tell he's mostly a serious kid but for some reason he doesn't seem to be able to suppress a smile when looking at me… and I find it endearing.  
'Thank you, Sakura,' he says and places the bag on the table before me. It smells delicious.  
'I should check up on you,' I quickly say when he immediately turns back around to leave.  
'I'm fine!' He smiles again and gratefully bows before following Sasuke out the door.

I gape a little. Uncertain how to react.

A few hours ago I was worrying about his life and now he was out with the exact same man who had endangered him. I frown, noting my anger for Sasuke had fleet out the door with them.

It takes me a moment to realize I had been picking a fight with Sasuke to distract myself from Orochimaru.

'Dango,' I note when opening the box. I feel my mouth watering and can't remember the last time I had them. I greedily take a stick out and taste it. I can't help but hum to myself. It was so _sweet_. So _good._

More.

At that exact same moment, the word echoes through my mind again. This time said by yellow eyes.

 _More._

Do I want more?

I stare at pink sweetness in my hand.

Without a doubt I put it in my mouth and savor it.

I'm was hungry, I note when I realize I've emptied out the box in just several minutes.

I realize that is perhaps my problem… Sometimes I don't know how hungry I am until I start to eat. I don't know how sweet the taste of some things are until I put them in my mouth and taste them thoroughly. I think about a number of things.

First time things and their thrills.

 _Thrills._

Have I forgotten certain memories or had I simply erased them so I would no longer torture myself with the memory of them?

I feel a strange feeling of desire come over me.

…When was the last time I gave into this hunger?

Yellow eyes flash before my eyes. Then a pair of familiar dark brooding ones that I had just angrily stared in.

Hunger.


	9. Walk the line

**Chapter IX: Walk the line**

The sun was setting.  
I glance at window again, patiently waiting.  
I had been thinking about it all day. I hadn't left my chair, I just sat and waited. Waited for a return.

I had gathered my thoughts and put them in a certain order. Restrained my feelings from it all and try to think of an answer to my own darkness.

I never, not once, had ever considered working for a vile snake as Orochimaru. Yet this morning it had plagued my mind. I had actually thought it over. I've imagined multiple scenarios, not one of them to my liking. Not one of them a true representation or me or the truth of the situation.

Yet something was eating at me.

I let out a sigh and finally decide to get up off my chair, accepting that neither of them was going to return to this place. Not yellow eyes. Not the boy… Not Sasuke.

I pack my bag and put it over my shoulder. As I open the door I can sense someone approaching the door. I halt and freeze on the spot. My heart starts to pound. The door makes a creaking sound as I open it.

He's alone.

'Sasuke,' I say, not being able to contain my surprise.

'I thought you'd be gone by now,' he coolly states.

I can't tell if the cold statement is to hide his own surprise or if he's actually truly unhappy to still find me here.

Maybe I'm just annoying him again. I bite the inside of my cheek.

'I was about to leave,' I tell him moving out of the doorframe to let him in. He stays put. Giving me a hard look.

'Something wrong?' I ask nonchalantly.

'Stay.'

A simple word. Unexpected. Remarkable to hear from his lips. I guess my face couldn't conceal my thoughts…

He smirks so I frown.  
'Something funny?' I asked annoyed.  
'We didn't finish our conversation earlier.'  
I simple stare at him. Yes, we did, a voice argues in my head. Yet my lips are less bold. So are my feet since they don't bother to move a muscle. He walks pass me and lightly touches my shoulder.

'I've got dinner… There is more than enough,' he states as he enters the house.

I stubbornly stand in the middle of the doorway for a couple of seconds. I then realize he is all by himself.

'Where is the boy?' I ask him as I turn my feet around and follow him in.

'A display of his strength was all it took to make Mitstuki follow him, right back into his footsteps… Not surprising considering he _is_ his _son_.'  
'He's with Orochimaru?' I ask baffled. I don't know why but the thought saddens me. I've much rather have seen him run free and… I sigh, what am I thinking? I told myself to let it go.

'What did Orochimaru say to you?' he asks while placing a dead fish on the table.

I curl up my nose at the sight. Not exactly the type of dinner I was thinking of.

'Nothing,' I lie.

'He talked about you.' As he says that he turns around and stares at me with a look I have never seen on his face. I can't tell what it is. It looks something between worrisome and disapproval. Maybe even a bit of anger.

'What did he say?' I ask when he stays silent.

'He saw something in you… Ihad in me for years.'

My eyes widen when hearing that. It occurs to me that their relation is rather complex, a part of me wonders why either of them cares about my wellbeing.

'I don't quite follow,' I say as I pretend to prepare dinner. I grab my kunai to gut the fish but get halted by a strong hand. I quirk up an eyebrow at Sasuke and note his sudden closeness.

He loses his grip on my wrist.

I look up from the gesture back to him.

He even dares to take a step closer.

'Don't you ever go near him.'

Was that a threat?

I snatch my wrist loose and take a step back. I angrily stare at him. 'Don't tell me what to do,' I hiss.

'I'm not your enemy.'

I frown at his words again, uncertain what he meant by that.

'Stay,' he repeats. Softly.

The word has a strange effect on me. I calm down and lower the kunai I had unintentionally aimed at him. I stare at it for a minute, wondering what I was exactly planning on doing with the weapon. I hadn't even noticed I had pulled it up.

'Sorry,' I mumble.

He stays silent and it stays like that for a while. Taking his own kunai to do what I had intended to do yet he doesn't do it either. He only stands motionlessly before it.

'I never expected this from you, Sakura,' he starts. His voice is harsh and cold like always. The tone he uses is that of a father scolding at his child. 'The fact that it is on your mind, that you don't even deny it… Do you have any idea of what that man is capable of? You cannot even imagine.'  
'I don't need a speech from you,' I scream, not being able to control my anger any longer.

'Don't you tell me what to do!' I scream. 'Stop it! Stop telling me when I can and when I can't. Stop telling me that I'm annoying when I say things you don't want to hear! Stop looking for me! Stop it! Just stop!'

'I thought that is what you wanted!?' he yells back, which silences me.

Now it is him with the kunai in mid-air. Just like me, he lowers it and even throws it on the table. He takes a step towards me.  
'I asked for your forgiveness,' he starts. 'You gave me _more_ than what I deserve… But I won't allow this. I don't want you to fall in anyone's… _claws_.' He spats angrily. 'You're _good_ , Sakura.'

I don't know why but the words start to make me see him differently.

'I…' You halt. Uncertain of what to say to me. You take a few steps towards me and I back away only to feel my back meet the kitchen sink. I feel flustered. Strange. A part of me wants to run out of the door.

But a part of me stubbornly stays put, like you asked.

Your eyes look haunted.

I don't want to move.

Do I dare to walk the line?

'What are you saying?' I ask him, barely above a whisper.  
'I don't know how to…' You shake your head, unable to utter the words you long to say. Your eyes bore into mine for the longest time. And I just stand still. For an reason unknown to myself, I enjoy it. The close proximity. The long awkward silence.

'If I keep my distance, it is only because I don't want to hurt you…'

Though you said it barely above a whisper, it echoes loudly in my ears. When you move in closer to me, I find myself meeting you halfway.

'I don't want to drag you into this… but I guess somehow I did…'

Yellow eyes… Is that what you mean?

Or is it far more complex… some kind of darkness?

I swallow nervously. I realize this wasn't a revelation to me. I've known.

'Don't give in,' I hear you whisper in my ear. 'Don't go wondering if there is _more_ , it is all right in front of you. It all lies in Konoha, where _you belong_.'

I move my head and our cheeks brush against one another. I look up to see you open your eyes. I've never seen you like this.

'And you?' I ask. 'Where are you?'

Your lips brush against mine and I can feel your breath. I flutter my eyes shut, taking it all in.

You do not answer me.

I open my eyes and look at you. Though I lift my chin, I do not pass the border.

I ran all the way here for you… You have to pass the border to get to me.

That is my condition.

To my surprise, you do. Your hand guides me to you and when we meet I feel _thrills_ all over. Slow, soft. Much like I had imagined. But I've matured too much and so have you. Your arm snakes around my waist and you pull me in closer.

I feel hands all over and I feel myself move towards you. It is a frenzy. Warm. Hungry. Satisfying.  
My heart is racing and as I dare to make a sound you halt.

And it all stops.

Our foreheads resting against each other. I can't tell what you're thinking. I can _never_ tell what you are thinking. It is all a blur. Was this what I was looking for?

 _Yes._

It's a small voice that answers. I feel a wave of calmness come over me. As if I had finally come to terms with myself.

Lonely.

I crave for a feeling. Yearn for a touch.

Yet I can figure out if you is what I want. I frown. A snippy voice barks all sorts of questions at me, making my head spin. Making me doubt every move I've made.

Why do you still act so indifferently? Why do you make it so difficult? Have you thought of this before? How long have you wanted to do that? Have you ever done this before…? …With whom?

'Don't wait for me.'

My head spins.

You put a lose strand of hair behind my ear. It is the most gentle gesture I have ever seen you make towards me.

'What do you mean?'

'Don't wait for me to come back to Konoha.'

I take a step back. Unable to progress what had just happened and what you've just said to me. I frown at you, feeling my temper flare up again while my heart sinks deeper and deeper.  
I could've sworn I had almost felt you. I had actually tried to reach out for you… I can feel a painful throb settle in my throat. I swallow it. I defiantly look up at you and place my hands on your chest, pushing you and all your painful memories away from me.

'Go home, Sakura.'


	10. Whirlwind

**Chapter X: Whirlwind**

I gape at you in disbelief. I feel myself take a deep breath of air. The amount of anger and hate that flows through me, flees me as easily as it enters my body. A whirlwind of emotions find their place inside of me. I let out a heavy sigh I had been keeping in. I keep staring into your dark eyes, thinking. Overthinking thinking.  
 _  
I wish I could believe you._

You uneasily stare back into my eyes.

 _Then maybe I would've been alright…_

'Sakura,' you say quietly.

But everything you've just told me doesn't apply to the way I feel inside. I _shouldn't_ give in. I'm _good_.  
So you blatantly _use_ my weakness to then _push me away_ , like you _always_ do.

I open my mouth but then close it again. Not knowing what to say to you. I break our eye contact and without a word I leave you behind.

'Sakura.'

Your voice is firm. Heavy. Manly. Nothing like that boy I fell in love with all those years ago.  
I think about how loving you was easy once upon a time. How I was easily struck by your cool attitude and handsome features.

I bite the inside of my cheek.

'Sakura,' you repeat my name.

I stand still, contemplating about voicing my thoughts.

'Don't,' I hear myself say. ' _Shut up_.'

'I have nothing to offer you.'

I frown. _First I'm no good for you, now your too good for me_.

'Sasuke, what do you want?' I ask turning back around. I don't even know what _I want_ but I just want some clarity from him. Just once.

'It doesn't matter what I want…' You calmly state, evading your eyes from mine when I look at you.

I shake my head at his words.

'What do you want!?' I repeat angrily.

'What do you want?' You ask me. 'You've kept you distance, Sakura, don't deny it!'

' _I_ have kept my distance?' I yell in disbelief. 'I gave you the best part of my life… I was carefree once. I _loved_ you more than my own life. I would've sacrificed it! Even if it was at _your hands_!'

Ashamed you keep your eyes on the floor. You don't utter a word. And that action only fuels my anger.

'You ran off, making me—people that cared about you,' I correct myself, knowing I wasn't the only one who had suffered, 'suffer endlessly! You threated us like we were no good. Like we had nothing to give you! _We gave you all we had_! You're giving me a lesson in greed when you never stopped going after _more_ yourself!

'I thought you forgave me!' You angrily speak up while ignoring everything else I've said. I can tell my words are affecting you. You hate this. You hate the truth. And I hate it too because I've denied it for so long.

'I only give you a hard time because… I can't pretend. I can't.. _truly_ forgive you,' I admit out loud. 'You hurt me… so _many times_ and when I put myself on the line… You push me away because _now,_ I'm too good for you. I'm no longer _annoying_. Or _weak_ ,' I spat.

'I don't think of you like that…' You whisper. 'I just don't want to burden you with my past—' _I am your past_!' I hiss.

'I don't want to hurt you.'

'I don't want you to hurt me either,' I harshly tell you.

'I know you've changed and as much as I want to trust you, Sasuke, it will never be the same. I'll never understand _why_ you keep pushing me away… And I _already_ carry burdens because of you.'  
It isn't an insult, I am not trying to hurt you. It is another ugly truth you don't want to hear and I didn't want to say out loud for the longest time. I suddenly understand my darkness comes from you…

'You've always ignored me for the most part,' I start. 'As young girl I didn't understand it, I didn't understand what I had done to deserve this way to be threated by you… As I've grown older I've come to understand it is a part of you. A part I might never fully grasp and now I realize… I _don't_ want you. I don't think I'm strong enough to handle your way of _loving_.'

You're eyes widen but you stay silent, accepting my words like the wise man you turned out to be.

'I still want more,' I say. 'Just not this,' pointing myself and then at him. I have no word for our entwined lives.

As I ran out and start my journey back home, my mind becomes a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions again.  
I feel tears stream over my face. I don't know if it is because I finally said the words I've longed to say or because I had broken all of the vows I had made surrounding him.

I promised to keep my distance.  
I promised to let him come after me.  
I promised I wouldn't just indulge in an offering…

I wipe the tears of my cheeks. I've been crying for too long.

I suddenly understand the meaning of Kakashi's words. Or rather, how see-through I was to him.

As much as I claimed I said I was over Sasuke, all I did was ignore the aching feelings inside of me I kept in for all those years. Sasuke had left a gap in my heart. And only now, I understood.

I no longer desired to _patient_ , _kind_ or _loving_ with him. I longed for us to be _even_.

I wanted _him_ to hurt.  
I wanted to be noticed.

 _I wanted to turn the tables around._

I had finally gotten the attention I craved for… and it had not left me with the desired feeling I had thought it would.

I still felt empty. I still wanted _more_.

Placing my hand on my heart, I tried to give it all a place. As the wind blows through my hair I inhale the fresh air. Wondering if this event finally had lead to the longing change I had been waiting for.


	11. Reflection

**Chapter XI: Reflection**

I've blame myself. I've _isolated_ myself. I stare at the mess I've made in my apartment.  
I let out a heavy sigh.

I've thought these thoughts over and over in my mind. And I had thought that it would get better with time. And yet here I am. Thinking again. Only these blank walls staring back at me.  
Yet now, I realize I am partly responsible for the state I find myself in.

I wanted to show the world I was not a whinny, little girl anymore.

I told myself it would get better once I had _this_ or _that._  
Once I got _stronger._  
Once I got _smarter._  
Once I had more achievements of _my own_.  
Once I would get over you… _Sasuke._

Now I feel like I'm neither this or that. Most of the time… I feel insecure. Foolish.

Above all, tired.

I feel like I'm running out of time…

This emptiness… I feel a sharp pain pierce my heart. I try to swallow, focusing my thought on anything else. But feel myself drown in it again.

I let my head rest on my knees, taking deep steady breaths to calm myself down.

I hate… being alone. I'm scared being like this for the rest of my life. What if… this agony never ends?

I thought if I reached out for you, you'd come. You would come after me.

 _You._

I don't even know _who_ you are.

Change. I have to make a change. And I already know whatever it is won't be found in my usual routine. I've tasted hunger and… I want more of it.

Should I go out? Should I go against my feelings? Dare to go beyond these walls I've build up?

I hear a knock. I look up, startled. I had not even sensed anyone at my door. I don't know who it is. The lights are out. My house has stayed unmoved for the last week. So, I figure I'll just pretend I've not come home yet. I remain unmoved and put my head to rest against my arms again.

Whoever it is not very persistent. He immediately leaves.

Or so I think.

I hear my window screech open.

I hit my head lightly against my forearms, I had forgotten that I had opened it up when entering to get rid of the must smell than hung in the air.

'Sakura?'

'Kakashi?' I ask surprised.

He isn't wearing his formal attire as a Hokage. He looks a lot like the old Kakashi, slouching lightly, wearing a lazy expression. He puts his hands in his pockets and says nothing.

I look around, noting I had pretty much ruined my entire interior. I then note only deaf people would be under the presumption that I was not home. I avert my eyes, feeling anything but ashamed. I just don't want to explain myself.

'I assume you have yet to write your report?' he sardonically asks which makes me snicker. I simply nod my head. 'Yeah,' I mumble.

'I got a message from Sasuke.'

I widen my eyes and look up to him, alerted by a whole lot of things. Had Sasuke said something? Had something happen? I suddenly felt guilty and irresponsible for leaving like that.

'He asked if you had returned safely,' he says while looking around. He then proceeds to walk towards me and reaches out his hand for mine. I find it a bit of peculiar thing to do but I accept it and he gracefully helps me get up.

'I did,' I mutter under my breath while turning away from him. I hadn't wrecked the kitchen, so I should lure him in there, I think to myself. Get him some tea…

'Orochimaru did not approach you again?' he asks on a worried tone.

I turn on my heels, startled to say the least. We stare at one another for a few seconds until I finally answer with a short "no".

A silence lingers between us that makes me feel utterly uncomfortable.

'Tea?' I ask on a lighter tone.  
'Please,' he nods, following my lead.

You could say what you want about Kakashi but he had a way being thoughtful without forcing it. Not asking _any questions_ was the nicest thing I could think of him doing.

'I…' I feel nervous talking to him about this. He hasn't been my mentor for a very long time and I'm not used to having these types of conversations with him. Above all, he is Hokage now, a man I find the least need to express my feelings to.

'Sasuke asked for you to return,' he then says. 'Though he did not state why.'

I blankly stare at him. Actually, I'm probably gaping like a fish. Upon realizing that I close my mouth and try to drink my steaming cup of tea.

'What happened?' he simply asks, tilting his head to make eye contact.

I look up. Tempted to answer the question.

'It is… very unlike Sasuke to do such a thing. Yet from what I can tell,' he doesn't look behind him but it is obvious what he is talking about. 'Things are not what they seem.'

'I told him… how I felt.'

Kakashi stays quiet. It is clear he's uncomfortable having this conversation too. 'Tsunade is out of town,' he then says. 'She asked me to keep an eye on you.'

I know this is Kakashi's way of being honest with me. Not that he isn't interesting in what I'm about to say, he just doesn't want me to hear of it afterwards and come off as a jerk. I smile, the fact that he is hear despite his busy schedule, says enough. The fact he spends, his probably only free time, with me says more than enough.

'Though I already told the guards to inform me when you'd return…'

I simply nod, noting how stupid I was for thinking I could fool him by pretending to not be at home.

'Kakashi,' I start, for the first time not finding it weird to not call him sensei anymore. Maybe I've grown a lot more then I think I have in the last few days. I do feel a clarity in me. I just don't know what do with what I used to call _the unknown_.

It is now a big aching gap in me that I long to fill.

'I don't know what to do.'

'What do you want to do?' he simply asks.

'I don't want to go back,' I answer, realizing he was still talking about Sasuke. 'I'm not interested in Orochimaru's offerings or… Sasuke's.'

'What do _you want_?' he then asks me more intense. His dark eyes bore into mine and for a moment I feel like that little girl again who had just met him.

'I… don't want to go back,' I speak up louder, this time referring to something else. I don't want to go back to where I was a week ago. I don't want to ponder about the past anymore. About Sasuke or how I once felt about him. I don't want to suffer anymore. I want more in life.

'I didn't send you out on that mission just for no good reason,' he then starts. 'I admit, I had thought you and Sasuke would end up together… _somehow_. Well, it doesn't matter. You seem to know now what you want, right?'

I stay silent, noting Kakashi had picked up on the fact I was indeed no longer think about all of the things that could've been. Pondering on what I should tell this man, I suddenly start thinking of _his past_. Obito. Everything that had happened and the events leading to it. I feel a bit foolish for having the feelings I harbor inside. My agony is self-pity while his is true pain. Loss, betrayal…

'You must think I'm very stupid,' I suddenly say, clasping my hand after I said the words out loud.

He raises his eyebrows in surprise. I try to explain myself without making me look like a bigger idiot.

'All of this,' I say, my hands signaling the mess in the living-room and myself. 'Must come off as very futile compared to what is going on in the real world… I feel so stupid for even indulging— 'I ignored how I truly felt for the longest time,' he cuts in. He isn't angry. Or sad. He teaching me again, like all those years ago.

'It consumed me from the inside out. I was an easy prey for people like Orochimaru. I've done foolish and… unforgivable things. You're not selfish. Or silly. You're feelings _matter_ , Sakura. You will always find things to belittle them against but that doesn't give you an excuse to ignore them.'

I gape at him again. Wording things I've thought myself, down to the very last part. Though, only on rational days, a snippy voice adds in my head.

'I remember…' He looks away, out the tiny round window in my kitchen. 'Feeling a lot of negative emotions… I had a hole in me and I tried to fill it with hate and anger till at one point all I felt was tiredness.'

He then looks back at me.

'I guess I've… I've ignored myself for a long time,' I say with a trembling voice and a blush. I feel weird saying this out loud. To him, of all people.  
'But I'm afraid I'll drown in this… _darkness_ ,' I mutter holding back a sob. I don't understand why I am being so emotional.

'We all have some darkness inside of us… the fact you recognize it, makes you an incredible strong woman,' he softly answers with a mild smile. 'I think even Sasuke recognize that now.'

I stare for as long as I can until I have to blink. I feel a tear and embarrassedly I wipe it off my cheek.

'Ino has thrown a birthday party for Sai,' he then says with a forced smile. 'It wouldn't be very polite of us to not go, as his former teammates…'

I smile back, knowing that last part was something Ino had screamed accusingly into his ears. But instead of declining as I always did, I saw the invitation as a sign. 'Let's go,' I nod, feeling somewhat enthusiastic about the idea.

'Kakashi,' I say as we head out, halting him.

'Does it ever stop?'

'It gets a lot better,' he answers with a smile. I pass him by and he closes the door behind us.

* * *

I'm a lot more content about this chapter then I was with the one before. Hope you liked it too!


	12. Change

**Chapter XII: Change**

There was music playing behind us, yet here out in the open it was rather quiet. A cold night breeze softly sweeps through my hair, calming my thoughts. I let out a content sigh.  
'Thank you,' I quietly say. 'Thank you for listening and… being a _true_ friend.'  
'You're welcome.' You quietly mumble back, in a typical aloof Kakashi manner. You look over your shoulder for a moment. 'I won't be staying too long…'  
I shake my head, smiling, 'Of course not, a Hokage has greater matters to attend to!'  
You smile but sheepishly scratch your head. 'Not really but a good sleep once in a while is… _heaven_.'  
'Haha!' I can't help but laugh out loud, noting his worrying mind probably rarely gets any rest. I can only imagine his burdens must have increased over the past few years and here I was complaining to him of all people. But I know he doesn't want it any other way.  
'You should sneak out, I'll tell her off,' I say, obviously referring to Ino, who dared to minimize his duty to his attendance to her party. He yawns, shrugging lightly. 'It's ok.' He smiles at me. 'The company is nice.'

I shyly smile back. I hear him mumble something about being around people my own age, instead of an old man like him. I roll my eyes before thinking about his life. I note how alone he still is. He doesn't have anyone waiting for him at home…  
'Kakashi,' I softly start. 'Don't you… ever feel the need to talk to someone?'  
He quirks up an eyebrow. 'We are talking…'  
'No,' I laugh again. 'I mean, someone to talk to about how your day has been… to tell a story to.'  
He stays silent, thinking about what I said for a moment. 'I have no need to tell anyone any story.'  
'Oh,' I blurt out, surprised by the cool answer. You give me a look.  
'I mean, I never thought about it… I never had the need to bother anyone with my thoughts.'  
'Oh.' Now I feel stupid.  
'That came out wrong,' You then hastily say. A slight tremble in your voice can be heard. 'I meant I never thought about telling a story to a specific person. I've told my stories… to you. Naruto. Sasuke. I passed my stories as lessons to my students.'  
'Oh,' I hum, feeling a bit flattered by his answer. I don't know why but I suddenly see myself and my teammates as the first ones Kakashi has confided in after his darkest years. I only now realize how deep and strong our trust in one another is.  
'I talk Guy too,' he then adds.  
'Yeah but I meant… Someone who you share _a lot more_ with then just your thoughts.'  
'You want that?' You turn the tables around in a blink of an eye and there is no way out for me.  
I stare at you for a long time, thinking about what to answer before answering with a slight, uncertain, nod.  
'It will come around,' You give me a nonchalant shrug with an all-knowing grin.  
We stay on the balcony for a little while longer before you finally head home.  
'Kakashi,' I say, not being able to let go of the things he has says throughout our time together.

'I think I… I want to become a teacher too.'

You say nothing at first. 'What about the hospital?'

'I need a change,' I answer immediately, no waver to be heard. I have already thought it over. Instead of pondering and beating myself over the past, I'm going to work on the future. Pass on my knowledge while guarding the next generation. Kind of like he did.

'I can't keep doing the same thing, I'll just spiral further down…'

You give me another soft smile. 'You'll make a fine teacher.'

I glance around, noticing most of the guest have headed home. I should've gone home a long time. My apartment is still a mess and I definitely need sleep. My feet hurt, my eyes are sleepy but yet I decline the idea of going. I watch Ino and Sai laugh and dance, for the first time, I smile when seeing them. I don't find it strange or repulsive.

I don't feel envy.

I avert my eyes off the pair, feeling a bit a shamed that I had hated on them for so long, for no good reason. The clarity in my head makes me aware of everything I have been doing subconsciously. It also makes me so awake I can't even think of sleeping. Despite my tiredness, I'm feel adventurous. Wild. Like I am in the midst of a fight.

No use, I say to myself while getting up of my chair. As I'm about to bid Ino goodbye, something catches my eye. A hooded figure. I frown, uncertain if I should be alarmed or not. In a blink of an eye he disappears. I try to fight the impulse of chasing after him, just for the heck of it.  
Instead Ino grabs me by the arm and pulls me in a hug, telling me that she happy to see the old me again.

The old me. I never really understood that. I'm not who I once was. I'll never be the old me.

But I let her talk. We say our goodbye's and promise to meet up sometime soon.  
I walk through the empty streets. It's getting colder, I note. I hurry home, walking up the stairs of my apartment. I open the lock and walk in on the mess I've made. I sigh, noting I'll need to buy new furniture and start over. But the thought makes me smile. A fresh start here too, I tell myself.  
I feel light-hearted and content for once.

The next morning I still feel a tremendous amount of tiredness. I hadn't slept much on my trip and last night I went to bed far too late. I have a headache and I suddenly don't feel like cleaning up the mess I've made. I tell myself to stop slacking. Seeing as I have no choice, I pull myself together. I don't have to work in hospital for the next few days so I can take it easy. I'm slow but bold, daring to throw away things I've hold on for too long. Books I'll never end up reading. Ugly pillows. Old headbands. I throw it all out together with the sofa and table I've ruined.

After a quick shower I go out to go grocery shopping. I keep thinking about my decision of becoming a teacher, realizing that the latter events are responsible for my revelation. It was strange how closure and opening your heart ended up being one and the same thing. Though I guess one could say those two things were opposites, with me I felt they were entwined. I think of Mitsuki for a moment, noting how I wanted him to take a different path… I hope he one day does.  
I hear some women talk about a recent decision made by the Hokage and notice how fond they speak of him. I smile proudly.  
As I walk away, my mind is on Kakashi and I note how, despite our already close bond, we somehow got to know each other much better. He is quite the mentor and I acknowledge how lucky I am to be his student.

I even dare to wonder if one day, a student of mind will think the same thing about me. I feel… a spark inside of me.

 _I need to thank him_ , I then note. Without him I would still be trapped. _He_ had set everything in motion. I owed him a lot. I snap my finger when thinking of a good idea. I'll treat him to dinner!

…What does he eat?

I roll my eyes at my train of thoughts. Here I am thinking I am good friend when I don't even know what he likes to eat! …Fish? I curl up my nose at the thought. Oh! Soup! He likes miso soup! I can make that… I think.

I tried my very best, though afterwards I thought of the fact that could've probably gotten it at a restaurant with a take-a-way service too instead of sweating over how to make it and taking twice the usual time to make it. But I actually had fun cooking it.

I kind of stiffen up when I'm at his office. I bite my lip, sometimes I seem to forget he's actually Hokage and no longer my sensei. I hadn't bother to check his home, despite the late hour. But the fact that the lights were still on told me I was at right place.

'May I?' I ask one of the men standing guard. 'He's not busy, is he?'  
Recognizing me one man immediately nods and I gratefully smile as I pass him by.  
I timidly knock on his door and I hear a muffled reply.

As I walk in I see a desk and huge pile of papers. I snicker. 'Kakashi?' I call out.  
'I'm here…' He sounds aggravated. He looks up from a file and tries to peek beyond the high piles of stacked papers. 'Sakura?' He gives me surprised look. 'Everything alright?'

'Everything is fine!' I smile. 'I brought you some miso soup!'  
I can tell he doesn't know what to say. He oddly keeps staring at me to the soup, back to the paper in his hand. He eventually tosses it aside and walks over. 'That's nice…'  
'I wanted thank you,' I start explaining. I always like the fact that he gets straight to the point so I should probably do the same thing. 'I don't know what else I could do…'  
'Well, it certainly is a pleasant surprise…' he softly says. I can't really tell what he makes out of it but I take he is content to be disturbed of his work for a moment.  
'Hm, some reports were that were due and finally got send in…?' I ask him.  
'How'd you know?' he ask while he opens up the plastic container.  
'Tsunade… She used to complain about those _slackers_ , _slouching and being lazy_ …'  
'Ha, yes,' he snickers while smelling the soup.  
'Specially that sensei of yours!' I add, imitating her voice. I smile when he looks up and realize I had been talking about him the entire time.  
'First thing she said to me too…' he says smiling. ' _Now you'll know what a pain it is_!'  
I laugh, completely able to imagine Tsunade saying that to him. She probably said it more than once too.  
'Did you make this?' he then ask surprised. I nod. 'It's good,' he compliments me.

You need help?' I nonchalantly ask while he eats. 'Tsunade had this system. I'll be glad to help… Hey, don't you have an assistant?' I then ask looking around.  
'No…'  
'Why not?'  
'Haven't got around to pick someone out…'  
'You should!' I tell him giving him a disapproval look.  
'I will, mini-Tsunade,' he says as he finishes his soup.  
'Haha!' I laugh.  
'Thank you but you shouldn't have,' he says referring to the soup. 'It is my job to look after you.'  
'Still, you have no idea…'  
'I actually do,' he nods. He the lazily stretches himself out. 'It won't be until a couple of months, you know,' he then starts, talking about the teacher-job. 'Iruka does give the final results of the students until late May…'  
'Oh, that's okay. I need some time to prepare anyway. I can't just leave my duty as medic at the hospital. Do you think I could combine the jobs somehow?' I ask, biting my lip. I feel bit silly asking this but I worked so hard to do what I do and I do it well. I don't want to just let it all go. It is such a huge part of me.  
'Of course, the hospital can't miss you, you are still one of our finest medics. Missions aren't for anytime soon. And if so by that time I'm sure the hospital will have a solution for your time to time absence.'  
'Yeah,' I nod, hoping he was right.  
'Besides, in emergency cases I'll just send someone out to get you,' he says. He kind of gives me an arrogant smirk, as if to emphasize his position thought it mostly comes off as compliment towards the importance of my skills. I feel flattered by the remark and can't help but smirk back.

Instead of leaving, I decide to help out. Ordering them in the right rank is a huge help, as Tsunade herself once said to me. We work in silence. Or not, actually. We have the same small talk we had when we were the only two left while Sasuke and Naruto were off competing to one another. He sends me home when he catches me yawning.

'Thank you, Sakura,' he says before I leave.  
I just give him a genuine smile.

A week has passed. I see friends come and go, checking up on me when word gets out that I won't be doing my job as medic fulltime anymore. As Tsunade's student and a member of team seven, I've gotten somewhat of a famous name. I reassure everyone that I'm alright and that I just want to start something new. The further I walk down this path, the more right it starts to feel.

Another week passes. I've gotten around to get a new sofa. My interior is less… colorful. Serene. White. I like the new style I've picked but can't help but add some pink pillows. Just to rebel a little.  
Today I got some small things. A vase with some flowers. A standing lamp. I note I'm not able to pick table. I note how much I loved my old table that I had completely smashed. As I move things around before deciding its final place I suddenly hear a knock on the door.

I get up but stand still in the middle of the room, where my dear table used to stand. Sensing I know this chakra, I feel reluctant to go and answer the door.

Another knock.  
Impatient.  
Or perhaps sign of him knowing I'm on the other side.

I sigh, deciding I promised myself to no longer run from my problems or bury them under others.

The time was never going to be right.

I was never going to be in the right state of mind.

I was always going feel strange around him.

With every step I took, I felt more nervous. I hesitantly grab the doorknob but twist it with a certain fierceness. As if ripping a bandage from a wound.

'Sasuke.'


	13. Mistakes

**Chapter XIII: Mistakes**

'Sasuke.'

His name rolled off my tongue as easily as the last time I had said it. I fought the urge to bite my lip, something I do whenever I'd feel uncomfortable or uncertain about myself. I waited for him to start the conversation. I feel my heart beat increase with every second he's taking to move his lips.

'Sakura.'

Calm. Collected.

'May I come in?' he asks politely.

I'm hesitant. Uneasy at the thought of letting him back in.

Though he can tell I'm not liking the idea, he never retreats his proposal, he simply waits patiently for me to adept to the situation.

With an uneasiness I step aside and let him pass. I take in a breath when his arrogant aura passes me by, making me taking in his scent. He smells like… _outside_. The grass, the wind. It's a hard thing to describe but I love it whenever I'm out. It brings back fond memories. I shake my head at the insignificance of my own thoughts and push back the memories we shared as young teens.

I follow him into my living-room. He doesn't take much interest in my new interior. I then take note he has no idea this is all new. He's never been here before. I keep a distance and still wait for him to talk.

His dark eyes bore into mine and I see things in them I've never seen before. I don't know what to make of them. Without thought, I avert my eyes to the ground until I remind myself I have no longer anything to hide. When I look back up, he's looking in the other direction.

'I,' he is usually cool voice wavers a little and he takes a breath to collect himself again.

'I don't want us to be on bad terms with one another.'

'We're not,' I bite back, a lot harsher then I intended it to be. Maybe I'm just fed up with this entire relationship. I can feel myself getting drained already and only a few words have been said.

'I've come to understand,' he continues while ignoring my outburst, 'I owe you more than just one apology.'

I stare at him in confusion, not quite sure where he was going with this. He takes a step in my direction. And another and another.

'I'm sorry for all the hurt I've caused you.'  
So simple. Yet it all stays so complex. I lower my gaze, searching in myself what it all meant. Was this what I wanted to hear? A voice yells in my head he needs to leave. It was all going so well… It was getting ruined by him again. _Run._

Yet I stood still, listening to him.

'I apologize if I have made it all more difficult. You never deserved the treatment I gave you…'

An arm snakes around me and I feel my forehead meet his chest.

A comfort.

An embrace.

Something I've longed for so long…. My eyes flutter shut.

'If I…' You stay silent and change your mind about what you were about to say. 'I'm willing to help you...'

My heart… it jumps in joy while staying rather passive in pace. I feel confused and disoriented. Was this still the same world I was in this morning?

'I don't know how, or if I even can… but I want you to know I'm no longer running from you, though I _can't_ stay in the same place here with you.'

I know what you are saying. I understand it all. I know you are opening up to me, I just don't know if I can follow your sudden quick pace.

'S-Sasuke,' I start, looking up. I get startled by the look on your face. A soft, warm expression I've seldom seen on you. You caringly caress my cheek. I feel a warmth come over me. Perhaps all this, is ten times more sensitive because of the past few weeks when my emotions were on haywire and I finally came to understand all the things I longed for.

'I've told you, you're not what I want—silenced.

I didn't even see it coming. His mouth. The warmth. The need.

I don't fight back and I certainly don't hesitate to answer. I feel strange again. As we continue to kiss, I try to shut off my emotions. That shouting voice in my head that keeps repeating I needed to run. My trembling hands that find steadiness in embracing him back. I try to shut off all the signals.

All the conflicting feelings that could stop me from continuing this.

Just shut up.

A small part of me just wants to give in. Feel the thrill. Hold on to something more dearly than an idea, a thought, a goal… I've done that so much already. What could happen, I ask myself. Feeling thrills running through my entire body.

You're fierce. Certain. Pressing me more tightly to you. A hand that holds my face close to yours, as if one breath of air could make us lose all we have going. It's almost as if you are aware of my doubt.

 _I don't want you to hurt me._

You move us. You move us towards the new sofa but I halt you. I want to speak up but you hand glides down from my face to my shirt. Your mouth continues down and I forget all the words I want to say.

 _I don't want you._

I feel myself fall into your arms while mine snake around your neck and into your hair. I feel it, make it wilder and kiss you harder back.

Yet it aches.

I don't think I'm strong enough to handle your way of loving.

But I'm not loving him, I answer the memory while indulging into him more deeply, as if I'm trying bury this doubt inside of me onto him. He never stops.

 _I still want more... Just not this._

Not this.

I purposelessly move my hands around and try to taste you more. But the savoring is gone.  
I halt. I think of my plans. My change. Our last conversation. You kiss my neck.

I suddenly realized I was still whirling around aimlessly.

'You're nothing I thought you'd be…' I say as I retreat my lips and stare at his dark eyes one more time when you too come to a halt. My arms come to rest to my side. 'I can't.'

And as I move around aimlessly, I seem to be an easy prey for you.

'Why not?' You sound breathless and for once… sincere.

'Was this what you wanted to say?' I ask him, uncertain myself what I exactly meant by that.

You retreat and give me a cold blank stare. 'I can't say more than what I've already said, the rest is up to you.'

I somehow feel at fault again. As if you offering me what I've asked for and I'm now behaving as a spoiled child by denying it. A long, cold silence linger between us and makes us both forget the warmth we had just shared.  
I swallow, uncertain what to say to you. You want me yet I… Yet I hold on to my plans like I always do.

First this. Then that.

Am I doing it wrong again?

You lick your lips. Your eyes hold a hungry look. I feel a spark.

I turn on my heels and finally listen to the voice inside. I run.

I run until it gets dark. I run with many thoughts. I run out of places to run.

I wasn't able to shut any feeling off. I felt dirty. Confused. I felt worse than before. I run back to the place where I had start running. I'm sweaty. Out of breath. Out of wit. I look around and see how almost all the light are out and how the silence of the night is beginning to fill the air. I see a familiar light still on.

The highest tower in our village.

As I walk towards it, it suddenly goes out. The void of the familiar light makes my heart feel heavy. I suddenly feel as confused as before and I can't seem to get a grip. I can't grasp it all, I don't know if I can move on without making a mistake along the road.

Was that it? Was that what kept me running in circles? The fear of making… another mistake?

I frown, though I was proud on some aspects of my life, I could not deny there was great deal I was disappointed in. I was in no relationship. I felt unloved… and never thought I'd feel the way I do today. I never thought I would reject Sasuke or anything he had to offer me.

But is it a mistake to consider wanting more than just taking what I used to deem as enough?

I sit on his staircase, wondering for a moment if he still lives here. I don't recall hearing anything of him moving. I patiently wait. It's taking longer than I thought until I see his silver hair in the moonlight. He looks surprise to see me.

'Sakura, are you alright?' he asks calmly. In his hand he's holding a bag. He went out to get something to eat.

'Can… we talk?' I simply ask, already feeling like an idiot. 'I'm still such dramatic little girl.'

He quirks up an eyebrow when he hears me talking to myself but remains silence, only giving me a soft smile when I realize I had said that out loud. I follow him up the stairs while he search his pockets for his keys.

'Did something happen?' he ask, eying my state. I realize it shows that I've been sweating and I can feel that all color has been drained of my face. I haven't eaten a single thing since this afternoon. I feel fatigue and tired but I simply shrug it off.

'I went for a run.'

As he opens the door, I follow closely behind. Once I'm inside I for some reason feel more at ease. I guess the thought of being seen with the Hokage for such frivolous reasons as my troubled emotions, made me feel embarrassed. But then again we shared a history and I'm only taking him up on his offer.

'Sasuke,' he says and nods understandingly putting his bag on the counter of his tiny kitchen.

'You knew?' I ask surprised. Meanwhile I look around and note how luxurious my apartment is compared to that of the Hokage. He could've at least gotten something a little bigger, I sneer.

I look at Kakashi for answers.  
'He's been around for a while…' You mumble back, avoiding any type of eye-contact with me.

I then come to the realization it was Sasuke on the rooftop I had seen during the party. I feel even more confused but then remember Kakashi had said he would come over himself to talk to me. I just hadn't thought he meant it… and I certainly didn't think he'd come after me so quickly... I…

I sigh. A heavy, tired, sad sigh.

'I assume… it didn't go as planned?' he then asks. 'I'm not really the person to talk to when it comes to these things…'

I smile when I see him starting to eat and keep his eyes on his dinner. I feel bad for stealing his only free time with such silly nonsense I hardly understood myself.

'Then let's not,' I answer dismissively. 'I don't think I quite grasp it myself…'

'We should talk—'I don't know if being a teacher will be a good idea. I don't think I'm capable.'  
'Sakura,' You start, now giving me look of utter disappointment. 'Don't let Sasuke turn you around so easily. I thought you were stronger than this.'

It's harsh to hear but I nod in agreement. 'I thought I was stronger too.'

I always make mistakes. I let myself fall onto my knees and sit down, drained of it all.

'You have so much to offer… I wouldn't suggest it if I didn't think you'd do good job,' You say while coming to sit next to me.  
'I'm sorry,' I mutter to you, feeling stupider by the minute. I was saying things I didn't even mean now.

'Did Sasuke make a point out of this?'

I can tell you are confused and I hear little bit of anger in your voice.

I shake my head. 'Sasuke… didn't say a thing.'

He didn't say a word about what had been said. He apologized. He did it all right and… I just wanted to _use_ him. Feel things. At the smallest opportunity given, I dived in.

'I told him you needed more time.' Your words distraught me from my thoughts. 'But at the same time I thought he might say things you've longed for…'

'He did,' I answer.

We both look out the window. You eat your dinner and I think. I think about Sasuke again, noting how easy it was for me to kiss him. Touch him. No matter how much I had told myself not to, I do and it is all too easy. I wonder if it has anything to do with him or if it was simply the need of having to feel someone. Was I still so weak for him even after I told him and myself I no longer wanted him?

Was it a lie?

'Sakura, I want you to keep your focus on your new job.' You suddenly sound strict. I kind of smirk when looking at you since you are giving me the same firm expression you gave me as a young Genin. Noting his words were to be taken serious, my smirk immediately falls and I listen intently, just like I had always done when he was teaching me things.

'You'll grow by watching others grow… Take a distance from Sasuke if you have to but don't think this isn't anything for you. You have a lot to offer. A lot of potential.'

'Easy for you to say, you always had the potential of being Hokage. I always had the potential of not doing a bad job.'

We we're still very different after all.

'You have plenty of potential, for _a lot of things_.' You stare at me with confidence, reminding me that you are seldom wrong.

I don't know why but I just want to know if it has anything to do with Sasuke. I feel dazed.

You always know what to do. I feel safe…

I tug down your mask.

I feel a bright spark when our lips meet.

But my heart falters as your hand presses me away, making me aware of my mistake.


	14. Encountering emotions

**Chapter XIV: Encountering emotions**

'Sakura.'

The way he said my name. So disappointed. So unsettled by the turn of events.

His dark eyes stared into mine, his mouth slightly open and clearly unable to utter a word to me.

I suddenly realize what I've done and my haze of earlier is gone. Perhaps it was the running, or the feeling of delusion that had settled deep inside of me that had made me do what I had just done.

I touch my own lips and keep my eyes down on the ground, unable to look at him any longer.

I make a quick analyzation of myself and conclude that I'm too keen of a believer that it will _not_ end well that I actually managed to manipulate the situation by making it worse and even acting upon it myself when noting no-one else would bother.

 _I'm an idiot._

'I-I don't know why I did that…'

'Uh,' I can hear Kakashi search for the right words to say, I hear him stutter a bit before mumbling something along the line that this should've never have happened. My eyes widen in shock. I just completely destroy his steady persona by knocking him in an unknown direction and putting him in a position he never wanted to be. I chew on the inside of my cheeks and I don't know why but I start crying.

'I-I'm sorry,' I mutter again, cursing my weak sounding voice. It makes me want to vomit.

I've destroyed the one thing I had by acting on impulse of something that _nothing_ to do with it. Just because I couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't over Sasuke. Because I wanted more but didn't know what…

I curse myself countless times and feel like a complete idiot whose life was spiraling out of control because of uncertainty, loneliness and sheer stupidity. I'm just not able to handle simple emotions anymore…

I feel Kakashi's look of pity on me and it makes me sob louder.

'Sakura, maybe you need someone else to…' he halts for a moment, obviously thinking about what he about to say. Instead of talking I suddenly feel an arm wrap around me. A tight embrace. The second one of today. This one is more… friendlier. Warm and caring.

'I know how you feel,' he whispered in my ear. 'It's alright.'

That was all he said.

I kept quiet and think over and over about what I had just done. I had ruined something very precious… After a while, I eventually untangle myself from him, noting I had wrapped my arm around him too.  
'I…' I swallow, feeling my face getting redder and redder by the second. I try to keep my cool in this utter embarrassing moment. 'I think it's better if I don't see you so… often.'

He simply nods, obviously agreeing. I get up and he copies my movements. We oddly stare at each other, unable to act naturally like we used to. I hastily turn around and bid him a quite goodnight, noting I wouldn't talk to him for the longest time. After this, I would avoid him at all costs. For a very long time.

I swallow the hurt I feel inside and hold back the tears that are threatening to fall.

As I walk out, I hear him say, 'Just hold on.'

I nod at his words while my feet practically start running home.

I spend days and days in my house. I shut myself off of the rest of the world.  
I think about everything that has happened. I _hate_ myself.  
I feel like a complete moron. A pitying fool who is unable to hide her inexperience in life. I behaved like as foolish teen around a man who has taught me more than any ordinary person could ever.

I roll my eyes at the memory of myself and my wallowing thoughts.

 _Kiss a boy to see if the other boy was as interesting as him._

Not boys, Sakura,

I scold myself. _Men. Real men. Men who had meaning in your life._

You've chased them all out.

After a while I find myself to where I've started. Sasuke is gone again. Disappeared.  
Kakashi is still watching over me and can always be found in his office but we do not seek each other out.

I go back to my safe routine where I merely work, eat and sleep.

At night I stare at blank walls again.

Months past like this.

* * *

 _Exams._ I couldn't remember the last time I took one and why I was more nervous about this one than any other previous ones. I already had a job, a career. I wasn't going to lose everything if I did not succeed. And it was only a theoretical exam, something I was rather good at actually.  
I hand over the papers to Iruka, who apparently oversees the instructor-exams as well. He gives me a small smile, a reminder that this was only protocol and that I had nothing to worry.

Yet I couldn't help myself.

I had looked so forward to this. I wanted this so badly.

I think the last weeks I have been living on a high. I look back to the past months and realize it had all turned out much different than I had expected. Sure, I went back to my usual routine but nothing was the same.

It took me a while to get better. I think the first month I just _lived._ After a while I started to hang out with my friends again, which I had vowed to never push away again. And of course I start to hang out with Ino again too, who wasn't really certain of what had happened but blamed it all on Sasuke. I didn't tell her a single word about the truth, letting her believe whatever she wanted.  
Tsunade was thrilled the first time she heard about my decision to become an instructor and patted Kakashi on the back during our conversation. I had actually managed to make a face believable enough for her not to question me why I flinched when his name was said. I simply nodded in agreement, while praising him too.

I managed to finally found some balance. It was almost as if the unsteadiness I had found myself was actually nothing else but the push I needed to get over the ledge.

I've dared to admit to my problems.

I've created problems in my head and… in my heart. I still don't dare to go beyond certain borders but I've changed my surroundings. My tiny world I clung to.  
I hoped I would eventually let go of the other restrictions I had made. Perhaps one day let go of... being afraid.

Though it nagged me sometimes I couldn't talk to… _him_ anymore, I've learned to reflect on my emotions and deal with them. I could never thank him enough for suggesting to apply for this job.

I smile when I think about the moment I got so excited I started to prepare actual lessons.

Though I have to tell myself from time to time it is probably not going to be as easy as I am imagining it.  
But nevertheless, I've found something new. I let go of what I've hold on and I feel the hole in my heart shrink day by day. The closer I get to the date of the meeting with my students the better I feel.

Though there was still some emotions in me I had yet to put to sleep…

I bite my lip, minding myself that my life would probably soon be turning into a whirlwind again. Perhaps that was why I was so nervous.

After this exam, and its usual proceedings, I would have a meeting with the Hokage.

Kakashi.

I haven't talked to him ever since… I shake my head at the memory and still feel absolutely mortified. I push the thoughts out of my head and I look out the window, watching people pass the building.  
I take note of a young raven-haired boy who reminds me of a certain someone. Someone who had returned to the village recently. I didn't know if he was planning on staying…

 _A whirlwind_ , I sigh in my head. _Just stay steady.  
_  
A week passes and I manage to hold my ground. I've seen Naruto and Sasuke. The latter never bring up our conversation again and neither do I. Though I know, just like meeting Kakashi, it is inevitable for us to talk about it again. Sometimes there are moments I have clarity on our relation and other moments… I feel uncertain and uneasy thinking about it.

As I walk up to the stairs of my apartment, I struggle to open the door. The mail is cluttering the floor and I almost slip on it but I somehow manage to get all the bags and myself in once piece to the kitchen. I run back to get the mail, quickly going through it in search for a certain letter. I smile when I see the seal on the front from the leaf village. I tear it open and my smile only widens when reading the letter of acceptance. It falters a little when I read about the meeting taking place in two days.

I try to shake it off, telling myself again its inevitable and neither I or Kakashi would let this ruin our friendship. It was about time I got over it and I'm sure he has forgotten about it too.

It would be a bit awkward but I was certain we would grow pass it and we would eventually resume our usual lives.

I throw the mail on my recently new bought table and I let myself fall into the sofa. I try to beat time by reading. I've started to read actual novels instead of stuffy medicine books. A hobby that has made me able to encounter some foreign emotions in my life that I was missing. It made me feel as if I was a part of something. The main character, the antagonist, the lover and sometimes I was just the reader, nodding my head in understanding.

It eased my mind.

It eased my heart, finding it able to still feel though it rarely did in reality.

It kept the nagging loneliness inside of me away.

I swallow when I think about the craving feeling I have inside. The hunger has only grown over the months and I have thoughts and yearned for things I never knew I would be so hungry for. I lower the book in my hand and make the thought that in this next whirlwind I wouldn't be steady at all. I would be fighting against it. The thought of giving into it is overwhelming. My knees tremble and my heart starts to race.

But to live another day like this, between living and nothing, I cannot bear the thought of it.  
Either way, loneliness would be over soon but perhaps not how I had imagined it.

* * *

Who do you see Sakura with in this story? I'm just really curious… Next chapter will be up real soon!


	15. Words to be said

**Chapter XV: Words to be said**

I hear knock on my door and I curse. I was having nice cup of tea and was sitting really comfortable. I halt a little, reading the last few lines on the page I was on. The idea of not getting up was plaguing my mind, whoever it was could come back some other time. However, hearing the persistency in the knocking, I knew exactly who it was on the other side. He would not come back some _other time_.  
I sigh and sweep my legs out of the sofa. I rise and stretch out, letting out a lazy yawn.

I slowly walk towards the door, letting out a growl when he knocks again.  
'Hurry up, Sakura!'  
'Hold on, Naruto!' I yell back while unlocking the door. I open it with a swing and angry scowl on my face. I was about to nag about the fact that he didn't have to be so impatient and _annoying_ but the sight before me stopped and I even momentarily froze on the spot before regaining myself.  
'H-hey, guys,' I stutter out.

'We're going to get ramen!' Naruto smirked with a toothy grin. 'I told them it just wouldn't be the same without you! You know like old times!'  
'I,' I can't seem to find the sense to say something, so I just gape at the three of them.  
'Naruto found me in my spare time,' Kakashi clarified, 'and insisted _I treated_ him to dinner…'  
'Well, you do have the most money now,' Sasuke spoke up with a smirk.  
The Hokage let out a sigh and I hear Naruto snicker in delight at the comment. I find the corners of my mouth go up and I can't help but laugh myself.  
'I need to get dressed,' I say. I'm in slouchy clothes I only wear when I'm home. 'Give me a moment.'

Instead of inviting them in, I shut the door in their faces and immediately hear Naruto complain. I smirk, finding his reaction hilariously predictable but above all very charming. I place my hand on the door for a moment, trying to hold on to the glimpse of the past that had just passed me by.

I swallow. I wasn't prepared. I wasn't ready.

 _Not today,_ a scared voice inside of me said.

But I had to. First off, I didn't have a choice and I… I just needed to say things and… a part of me wanted to talk to Kakashi before the meeting, so this was the ideal moment. I tell myself to be strong and brave, _I could do this.  
_  
Sasuke however… it wasn't as if we were mean towards one another. I just had no idea how to act around him anymore. The drastic change of me no long chasing after him had taken a certain toll, I felt as a team we were drifting more apart too. Our relation had always been undefined but now it was simply… gone, which had an effect on all of us. I never just go out with him and Naruto anymore. Actually, I only hang around Naruto these days.

I take one last deep breath and then quickly change, while letting the thoughts rampage my mind.

When I come out the door, I see them waiting down the stairs. In a dash, I meet them. I'm forever grateful that Naruto is unaware of everything. He talks throughout the entire walk about, well, everything. It never goes completely silent. Though it also seems neither one of my other companions allows that to happen either, they talk along with Naruto.  
I guess I was being the most quiet one again… I tell myself I'll loosen up after a while.

Though I know deep inside I'm lying. I feel too scared, too out of place. Inside my mind there was chaos.

'The usual!'

I roll my eyes at the loud yell and see out of the corner of my eye Sasuke shake his head in disapproval. Kakashi on the other hand politely greets people sitting next to us.  
Eventually we eat, which was a nice way for me to stuff my face and not being accused of being unusually quiet. Naruto brings up my new job.  
'So!' He smirks, 'You are going to become like old man Kakashi?'  
'I'm not that old…'  
I get startled by the comparison and I slightly waver when speaking up. 'Y-yeah, I guess you could say that.'  
'I'm still going to be the next Hokage, though,' Naruto immediately adds with a grin. I laugh.  
'No doubt about it,' I answer.  
'I never saw you as the tutoring-type,' Sasuke suddenly says.  
First I just look at him in surprise then I feel my face turn into a scowl. I can sense some hostility to my left side. Kakashi moves in his seat a little.  
'And why do say that, Sasuke?' Kakashi calmly asks. I don't dare to look his way.  
'No reason,' he shrugs. 'Sakura just never voiced her ambitions to become one.'  
'Sometimes you end up being things you never thought you'd be but that doesn't mean it is wrong or incorrect for you to be that, it is simply because you don't how you'll grow in life and sometimes you come to understand you don't get to make the choice.'

The enigmatic answer was follow by a deadly stare contest between the two, that left both me and Naruto confused. Naruto voices his confusion, I just eventually found out my mouth was hanging open and closed it.

'R-right,' I mutter, looking down at my plate. I curse when I find it empty.  
'Besides, Sakura isn't going to be just any teacher.' The proud in Kakashi's voice made my head snap up and for the first time our eyes actually met. I couldn't decipher what was going on in his mind, and though I didn't know how to interpret our last shared memory either, I could tell he too was glad that our eyes were meeting again and we were no longer avoiding one another.

'It's going to be an exclusive all medical team,' he announced. 'A special team, you won't be doing the usual missions. I mean sure at times you will but your focus we be different than the others.'  
My eyes widen and I kindly forget about the other two. 'Really?'  
'I wasn't going to hold this information for you but I'm afraid my schedule got in the way of a visit.'  
I just nod my head in understanding, feeling a fluttering in the pit of my stomach when he said he was going to visit me earlier but couldn't.  
'Should I prepare—'Keep what you have, I've talked with Iruka and he said so too, you should take it slow. The beginning of team can never be rushed.'  
'I need to see if they make good team first,' I then remark with a devious smile.  
'You're not going to the bell-test, are you?' Naruto suddenly interferes. He scrunches up his nose at the memory.  
'Of course I am!' I smile. I hear him sigh in response.  
'Only you were stupid enough to fail that test,' Sasuke coolly says.  
'Did you ever even get the point of the test!?' Naruto spats out as he loses his temper and utters curse words at him underneath his breath. Sasuke hardly reacts to his outburst.  
I look at Kakashi for a moment and we both start laughing.

I stayed longer then I had intended. The conversations when smoother than expected. The whole evening is a trip to the past. To when it was all easier.  
I frown at the thought for a moment, deep down, it hadn't been easier back then either.  
We were all troubled then too.

I stare at the ground for a moment, thinking about. Naruto snaps me out of it.  
'I promised I was going to drop by Hinata before heading home,' Naruto mutters with a blush.  
'Kiss goodnight?' I ask. It just rolled off my tongue before I could stop myself. The result is a Naruto with the complexion of a tomato. I hear Sasuke and Kakashi snicker in response.  
'H-hey!' He whines when catching our expressions. 'Don't give me that look!'  
'It okay, Naruto,' Kakashi says in his usual aloof matter. 'Go see your girlfriend.'  
I've never seen Naruto leave as quick as he did after that comment. He was utterly embarrassed and the way Kakashi had said it so smoothly made it all the more hilarious.

I then take note I'm alone with the two men I've been ignoring and avoiding for the past months. There is something odd going on between the three of us and I can't put my finger on it.

'Sakura,' Kakashi starts. 'Could I talk to you now about the idea of the team?'  
'Ah,' I take hesitant look at Sasuke, who doesn't show any emotion. 'Sure.'  
'I'll walk her home, Sasuke.'  
The comment was almost a bit taunting. But nevertheless, Sasuke didn't say a word and simply bid us goodnight. He left rather quickly, which I actually found a bit odd but I was too relieved to be rid of his presence to even make a comment about it to Kakashi.

As we start walking, a silence begins to settle in between us. I grow slightly nervous and feel the carefree feelings of earlier flee. I unconsciously take a deep breath of air which makes Kakashi aware of my uneasiness.

'How are you, Sakura?' he asks in his usual calm voice. He looks around, nodding his head at a few people when passing by. I glance at him. He behaves like he usually would and I feel myself relax in his presence.

'I'm fine.'  
I bite my lip. I hated when my voice was so fragile and light. I didn't want to come off that way.  
'How are you?' ask him, using a bit more certainty in my voice.

'Good.' A simple clear answer that lead to no further conversation.  
 _Typical Kakashi_ , I agitatedly note in my head and let out an audible sigh in response.

'I've gotten an assistant,' he then informs me proudly.

I smirk and give him a nod of approval.

'Oh!' I then yell, 'I've gotten new furniture!'  
He thinks about it for a second. 'Yes, well the last time I saw it, it was exactly in good condition.'  
I laugh at the comment heartily, feeling carefree again for a few moments.  
That makes me finally snap out of avoiding the inevitable and I abruptly come to a halt.

My apartment was further down the street but I wanted to say it now before I changed my mind.

 _Coward_ , a little voice inside my head hissed. I ignore it and continue on.

'I hope we can move on now… I don't like… I mean I miss…' I sigh. I hadn't want to say the things that had just blurted out of my mouth. I wanted to say something a bit more meaningful, a lot less clingy and whole lot less _wrong_.

'Thank you for everything,' I then say and I give him a quick hug. 'I don't think I could do the things I'm doing today if it weren't for you and I don't want to lose our friendship…'  
He surprises me by not letting go. 'I could say the same thing.'  
He then let go and put a few loose strands of hair behind my ear. 'If I was ten years younger, I would've been very flattered that such a beautiful young woman kissed me… And as an _old man_ , like Naruto likes to call me now, I am still very flattered but I can in no way ever allow that to happen again.'

I don't say a word and the world around me is becoming kind of hazy. I suddenly take note my head is moving. I'm nodding in agreement, though I'm hardly aware of doing so.

'You will always be my student, which means if you can't figure it out… You ask me about it.'  
I smile gratefully at the man before me. His dark eyes are soft and I can tell he too had been thinking about a solution out of this strange situation I had abruptly put us in. He shoulders slouch and he then looks at ease again.  
'Though, I bet you never thought of this situation as a teacher… or have you?' I jokingly ask. The moment it leaves my mouth, I then only question if saying this wasn't too early. Or if it would ever be appropriate to talk about it, let alone joke about it.  
But he laughs and washes away my doubt. 'No, you got me there. I guess the image of the love-struck-on-Sasuke-Sakura never made me ponder about such things.'  
Though then mentioning of Sasuke gives me a weird sensation, I simply laugh it off.

We somewhere along the way started moving and my apartment comes earlier than expected. Though there is still some hindrance between us, we're not as carefree as before, we somehow manage to continue our usual, light conversations. He informs me about my students a bit more and openly admits to being quite curious about the whole ordeal. He makes me promise to report to him before anyone else.

Even Tsunade.

And Naruto.

I don't know why but I feel lighthearted. As if this whole evening was nothing but a dream. It was nice and so wonderful and it made me want all the things I've… I bite my lip as my head makes the assumption.

It makes me realize how I secretly craved for things to be as they used to be. When it was just team seven.

'Goodnight, Sakura.' Kakashi's voice makes me snap out of my reminiscing thoughts.

I awkwardly stand before him. There is still something that I long to say to him. Word that shouldn't be said and I didn't intend on going anywhere with this I just… pondered a lot about them. Because for some reason I felt this would clarify a lot of things…

'Kakashi,' I whisper before he goes. His eyebrows shoot up when he sees the look on my face, I can't seem to be able to relax my expression. I feel tense. I probably _look_ tense. He curiously stares at me, waiting for me to continue.

'I felt a spark.'

There I had said it. I don't know if he had any idea what I meant by it. He gives me a long stare and looks just as flabbergasted as when I kissed him. For brief moment I think he won't respond to me.  
But he then gives me a mysterious smile. 'Me too.'  
With that he turns around and leaves.

For a few seconds I gape at the man, not entirely sure how to take what has just been said.

'Goodnight, Kakashi!' I then yell.

As I turn around, I snicker at myself and the bizarre situation I had created and note how incredible graceful the current Hokage was. As I was thinking all that and turning around to finally go home, something caught the corner of my eye. A dark figure.

I halt to put the key in the lock and turn around to actually look at him.

Our eyes connect. I want to call out for him.

Because with him too, I long for words to be said.

But I stay quiet and he stays unmoved. Only his dark brooding eyes stare at me and, though I was never good at reading his emotions, it seemed as if this time he didn't quite understand them himself.

If not now, I think to myself, ask him to come over some other time.

I take a small step forward but immediately halt when catching myself move on impulse.

 _Coward_ , the voice hisses again.

His dark figure becomes hazy and then disappears.

* * *

There and now you are… none the wiser.

Thanks for all the reviews!


	16. Good Girl

**Chapter XVI: Good Girl**

I can't help but smile. I take all three of them in and can easily read them. The boy was going to be a stubborn one, that much I could tell. The loud one reminded me of Ino a bit, and that wasn't compliment. The other girl seemed to keep mostly to herself. I didn't see too much of my old teammates in them and I felt rather grateful for that. I wouldn't want to constantly compare them.

I let out a sigh, letting the thoughts go.

'My name is Sakura Haruno,' I say, introducing myself. I get up from my spot and think for a moment what I want so say. I snicker inwardly before wording my thoughts. 'There isn't much to say about me. I love a lot of things and there is an equal amount of things I hate.'

I take note that as a child you have it so much easier. Once you're older it all becomes a blur. After every word said comes a but, or a when, or except or a maybe… It was never truly clear. I remember thing much more simpleminded when I was their age. It was black or white. Wrong or right. Good or bad.

'Over the course we'll get to know eachother a lot better...' I mutter quietly, 'but first you need to pass this test.' I hold out the bells and can't help but smirk a bit maliciously, knowing the pain they would have to go through to succeed.

Walking home from my first day, I was feeling rather content. They had "passed" the test the same way team seven had. Well, perhaps I was being a bit too easy on them but I had no need to copy my own mentors. I could see the potential in them. It would take some time and work. And even so, by the end they had actually managed to be somewhat more of team then we had ever been on day one. There was no rivalry for once.  
Well, there was little bit of rivalry but just not as intense as the one between Sasuke and Naruto had been.  
I then make note I had never seen _any_ rivalry as theirs.

I catch myself humming when walking down the streets. As I go get something to eat, I make a quick analyzation. A week and a half has passed since my talk with Kakashi and during the last three meetings we had, we seemed to have found our ease around one another again. Though something between us had changed, something permanent. There would always be a little bit of electricity that would hung ominously in the air. I couldn't quite place my finger on what this exactly meant but I let it be.

I haven't spoken or seen Sasuke since we all went out for dinner…

I make a disapproval sound, I was going to _talk to him_.

As I decide what to eat tonight, I catch a glimpse of one of my students down the streets. She too looked rather in a good mood and was talking loudly to her younger sister. I can't help but smile approvingly. Or perhaps it was the reassuring feeling that I got when I saw her that made me smile. Either way, it didn't matter.

Seeing those kids made me reflect on myself a lot more and as I walked home, I realize I can see little bit of myself in each and single one of them. I could be quite juvenile as a child but was always sharp when I needed it to be. I guess, though I had scowled Naruto so many times, I could be rather persistent on getting something I want too. Tsunade's teaching were definitely no walk in the park.

As I ponder on and on, I even find myself viewing Sasuke and Naruto differently. I see them differently. Like young boys and I can't help but feel the pity I should've shown when we were just starting out.  
I was such a dumb kid. I didn't even think about their pain… No, I shake my head. That wasn't it. I just didn't understand. I didn't know how to _feel_ their pain.

I think of the boys and in my imagination I see them grown. Though there are images of Sasuke that are missing. He wasn't around for such big part… The boy kind of reminds me him. Quiet, stubborn and sometimes even a bit rude. But no matter how much he puts up a front, I can see his anger.  
I let out a sad sigh when I think of all the victims the war has cost us. He was far from the only one to lose both his parents.

I hoped I could get through to him and let him see beyond those negatives emotions.

 _Look who's talking…_ I snicker inside. _The idiot who could hardly figure herself out and is not one bit closer to looking beyond herself and the past.  
_  
I shake off the sneering voice and tell myself to further enjoy my rather nice day.  
 _  
_As I pushed the key into the lock, it occurs to me that, for Kakashi, the three of us were probably just as readable as I found my students now. _…I wonder if he started to see himself differently because of us?_

As I open the door I halt, noting a presence in my apartment. My heart falters a little, unhappy to find him intruding my personal space. I was having such a good day… I angrily push the door open and give him a cold glare when seeing him standing in the middle of my living-room.  
Sure I wanted to talk to him but not like this. It would at least be on my own terms and with my _permission_ to enter my house.

'Sasuke,' I say his name with a strictness, making it clear I do not approve of finding him here.

He was holding the book I had been reading. I inwardly roll my eyes because he _of course_ barges into my house, looks at my daily belongings and picks up to see the rather _cheesy book_ I was reading for the moment.

'What are you doing here?' I then ask as he throws it back down on the sofa where I had left it.

He gave an unfazed look before looking around some more. He eventually speaks up when I am halfway inside, putting the food I had bought on my kitchen counter.

'I'm leaving… and I had simply wished to say goodbye.'

I look over my shoulder at his stoic expression. 'And you couldn't do that waiting in _front_ of my door?'

'I apologize,' he simply answered. His dark eyes got me staggered for a moment. They looked different, as if he was brooding on something. I suddenly felt a little nervous, remembering he had seen me talk to Kakashi. The memory of that conversation made my cheeks flush a little, suddenly hoping he hadn't heard or picked up on anything.

I turn around with a sigh, turning my head to the side when seeing his awkward posture standing in the middle of my beloved living-room. We had such a nice time together only a week and a half ago.

Perhaps I need to take control of the situation now that it had represented itself and make the best of it.

I open my mouth and for a second my first question was going to be will you be gone long, which in the end doesn't matter to me nor would he'd be able to tell me. Where he was going was just as unimportant.

'Would you like to stay for dinner?' I ask instead. He was going and that was the point of him being here.

To my surprise he nods. I'm a bit taken back in surprise but me make no remark on it. I tell him I need some time to get it ready. I wanted to say make yourself comfortable but that felt as something uncomfortable to say, so I say nothing at all and let him be. He eventually joins me in the kitchen and helps out without saying a word.

A strange silence hangs in the air but we both get used to it and prepare dinner together. It is a bit of an odd situation and presumably hilariously ironic when seeing our relation in third person. I even found it a bit amusing myself, having to hold in a snicker when I accidently bump into him.

It was awkward but we somehow manage to get the food ready.

'Just a little more,' I quietly say as I stir into the pot and turn the beef in the pan. It smelled really good and I was rather proud of myself.

'I don't want you to be mad at me.'

Startled, I look up at him. He had a look in his eyes I had only seen once, when he had asked me for forgiveness the very first time. A sincere, defeated and almost sad look. Sad for all he had done, eager to make it right. I gape a little at him and don't know what to say. I focus on the food again.

 _I'm not mad… Am I?_

'Sakura,' he says, not letting me get away with it. 'I don't want… I don't want to part knowing your mad at me.'

I turn around. The food is practically ready so there is no need to pretend any longer. The way he looks at me makes me think of the boy. I shake my head inwardly, no not my student. That boy I fell in love with years ago.

I did feel anger. Frustration. Sometimes I was indeed mad at him.

I stare into your dark eyes. Maybe I was mad at you because I could never be anything else but that good girl you claimed I was. I felt trapped in a persona you've created because I feared you otherwise you would've never return. And after a long time, I realized this person didn't mean a thing to you. I had only fooled myself into believing I was this person and that you would return to her.

You never returned. You were still leaving.

'Back in the house,' I start. 'You told me I was _good_.'

You only nod and intently listen to me talk.

'I'm not always this good, loving, caring person,' I then say, for once daring to mouth my feelings and thoughts in a rather sincere moment. 'Sometimes I'm quite the opposite. I'm not always a _good girl_.'

I do suddenly feel angry.

I then come to the realization I'm mostly upset at myself for letting you push me, even at such great distance, into this person I wasn't. I'm not always innocent. I'm not always doing the right thing… most of the time, I don't know what I'm doing. I had those same feelings while growing up and yes, you are partly to blame.

'I don't hate you,' I then add out loud. 'I just need… I don't know. I'm still figuring that out.'  
I turn my attention back to the food. I stir in the cranberries, a guilty pleasure of mine. Though the thought of its sweetness normally watered my mouth, I now felt nothing. I couldn't tell if I was doing the right thing or not.

'I don't want you to be anything.' You move next to me. 'I'm content to hear you do not hate me, it is feeling I never wish to bring upon anyone… _especially you_. And if I ever pressured you into thinking you had to be someone you're not, I apologize.'

I let his words sink in a little.

I slap him on his chest. 'Stop being so nice,' I say. 'I don't know how to handle it.'  
I give him a small smile and I see him smile back at me out of the corner of my eye. I stir in the cranberries again. He gets two plates for the both of us and we proceed to finally start eating.

We talk a bit more during dinner. I feel strange being so close to him and talk about trivial matters. Even when I talk about my day and how much I've enjoyed it, he's surprisingly supportive now and even asks me out about my students. I tell him a bit about the boy.  
'If one person is capable to make him see the good, it is you,' he nonchalantly remark. 'I'm still very thankful for… everything.' He then adds, making me feel a bit uneasy. I hide my embarrassment by grabbing our plates and getting up to the sink. He follows behind with the rest of the dishes.

I try to keep it light, like we had been talking before. I bring up Naruto, jokingly remarking he would never forgive us for letting him miss out on a free meal. He snickers, adding, as always, a little insult when thinking of him.  
I start cleaning up and give him the pan to put in the sink. 'Don't mind, I'll do it later,' I say about the dishes.  
When I grab the pot of cranberries I can't help but put my finger in it and lick it clean.

'This is the very best part of the meal,' I say when I feel his eyes on me, probably disapproving of my rather childish habit of still cleaning out the pot. When I reach for my finger in again I suddenly feel him on my back and I see him grab my wrist. I see my finger disappear in his mouth.

I let out a short staggered breath.

He suckles on my finger for a moment and moves in even closer to me. I can feel his breath on my skin. His nose touching my cheek.

'I'm sorry,' he breathily whispered. 'I just… I'll stop. I can't seem to…' I can hear him struggle with his words and instead of stopping I feel his mouth in my neck. I want to resist but instead I feel myself melt into his arms. He has peculiar scent. I feel my hand touching his face and he trails openmouthed kisses in my neck until I meet him halfway and our mouths find each other. Unlike before, I can't seem to think.

Everything is a haze.

Turning me around slowly, his mouth never leaves mine and his hand travels over my body.

We finally part for air and I see the same wildness in his eyes I've seen before, that what had me so worried. His hand lightly touches my face, putting a lost strand of hair in the back of my ear. His eyes flutter shut again and continues on. I can tell he won't just let me go this time. His tongue ravishes mine and I feel my heart beat loudly. Excitement enters my veins and I'm not able to control myself either. Feeling his hair and holding on to his neck, I let out a moan. His mouth travels again.

I dare to say that I might not be able to stop him if I wanted him to.

We're at a point I no longer want to stop.

He pulls up my leg, pushing me closer to him. His one arm wrapped around my waist. His mouth on every inch of my skin.  
I only open my eyes from time to time just to see his face. I never catch him with his eyes open, as if he savors every passing moment between us.

We move around and eventually I strip you partly of your clothes. I feel your bare chest and arms, feeling flushed with every touch. The electric feeling I once felt only slightly, now was pulsing through my entire body.

I almost feel as if I am losing my mind.

You don't strip me of my clothes until we're in bed. Eventually only sweat is what is between us.  
You turn every naïve fantasy I once had in reality. Patient yet bold at times. Always gentle.

I kiss your neck. You enjoy every touch. We eventually lose ourselves.

I wake up in the middle of the night in your arms, holding me close. I flutter my eyes shut and tell myself to relishing this moment. To relish this night and forget everything.  
I drift into a deep sleep, letting obscurity have me for all I am.

The next morning you are gone.

* * *

Few more chapters to go but not before some more trouble here and there. Thanks for the reviews! Next chapter will be up soon!


	17. The deception of doubt

**Chapter XVII: The deception of doubt**

I felt uneasy. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but something was off. Sure, we had succeeded so far. But I felt as if it was all going a bit too well. This mission had the potential to turn into A-class, something that hadn't slipped my mind ever since Kakashi had whispered it into my ear.  
For a moment I had question him, wondering why he wanted us to go. We weren't short on people or anything, but our team was the best candidate, he had said.

Our hard work was being put on the test.

I halt. The boy standing next to me, while the two girls are up ahead. It takes them a minute to stop.  
'Something wrong?' the loud girl asked. I hear her get hushed by both of her teammates.  
'S-sorry!' I hear her stammer.

I search the scene. I see nothing out of the ordinary. Just endless amounts of trees and the ruffling of the wind to put one further on edge. I swallow. The cold chilling breeze makes me shiver.  
'Sakura-sensei,' the boy starts. 'Shouldn't we get going?'  
I slightly nod, feeling a bit uncertain.  
'You said it was urgent…' he then adds. His dark eyes stare at me questionably.

I nod with more certainty now. Yes, the medicine was urgent, we needed to pick up the pace and keep going. After all, the sooner we got back, the better.

'Come on,' I simply say and start running again. The girls move on and the boy follows, just behind me. I cast him a look over my shoulder. Though he doesn't move a muscle, he understands he needs to stay extra alert.

Whoever it was, was about to make his move.

Not entirely surprised, I see a figure appear before the girls. They halt, drawing out their weapons of choice. I tighten my fists.

'Hand it over!'

Seven men to take out a couple of kids? I quirk up an eyebrow. Whoever gave out the order, didn't make the mistake to underestimate us.

'Come get it!' The loud girl boldly states.

Attacking head on, I tell the girls to be careful and not underestimate them. I manage to fight three of them off by myself but get distracted when I hear a scream. One of the girls is hurt.  
'I'd worry about the poison in your blood more than about that little scratch,' the man who inflicted the wound hissed at her. I can see her panicking.  
'Stay calm,' I yell out. I want to turn around and help but find myself stuck between the two remaining men. I take note my other student has taken care of two them quite easily. I smirk at her. We make quite the team since we both are very good at using our fists. In a flash, and with some teamwork, we take them out as well.

She then immediately runs over to tend her teammate. Though they bicker quite a bit and are each others opposites, they care deeply for on another. I've seen them grow into becoming close friends.

'I got it, Sakura-sensei!' the girl yells while she gets out a needle to take care of the poison.  
The other girl looks around alarmed. 'Where is _he_?' she screams at me while her teammates gives her an antidote.  
'Auch!' she then hisses at the girl, who rolls her eyes in response.

I look behind me and take note the boy is gone and curse. 'Stay put!' I say to the two and take off.

He couldn't have gone too far. I knew the boy was talented enough to figure out there would be an eight guy to attack us from the back, I just had thought he could handle him without getting into too much trouble.

I wouldn't forgive myself if anything ever happened to him.

I yell out his name. My heart beating rapidly. I feel as if the forest has gotten darker and more grim.  
I suddenly sense an eerie presence and I repeatedly yell out the boy's name. No response.

'Where are you?' I hiss angrily, mostly at myself. I jump down from the high trees in search for footsteps. They seem to be missing. He couldn't have just disappear into thin air! I then take note of some plants and grass that has been flattened. It looked like a path. I raise my eyebrows at the sight, not quite sure why anyone would feel the need to such a thing. This forest wasn't a place one could live.

When I see something slitter in the darkness, I halt again, realizing this isn't a path. Nor that it was made by a human.

Jumping up at a quick speed I race to see the slithering body disappear further into the darkness.

It stops and I pass by it, hearing the snake talk.

'You remind me a lot of someone,' he hissed with a grin. I see him snatch the medicine out of the boy's hand. I bite my lip when I realize how we've been seen through.

 _I guess our pretense of me having the medicine didn't work but then again, you are no ordinary person._

'I think we've been here before,' he laughs. His head makes an unnatural turn towards me. I'm startled but only for a second. I straighten my posture and come out of the bushes I had been hiding in.

'Orochimaru.' I send him a glare, disliking how he's holding the rather lifeless body of the boy. I can tell he's hurt and fought this monstrous man the best he could. He's barely conscious but was holding on, his one eye staring at me while the other was too bruised to open. When I see him tremble and catch the fear in his eye, an overwhelming feeling hits me. A feeling of great worry and care.

At the same time I get hurled back into the past. When it was Sasuke he was holding on to. And then Naruto came to save us both…

I swallow when reminding myself it was just me this time. No one could save him but me.

'Let go of him,' I say on low tone. ' _Now._ '

'So tell me, dear,' he hisses, not immediately letting the boy go. His snakelike body disappears and he slowly reveals his human form. His despicable tongue slitters out his mouth briefly. He laughs loudly when seeing my repulsed expression. I almost take a small step back when he walks towards me, in his hand still holding the boy at his throat.

'How is your darkness? Still consuming you?'

I hear delight in his voice. My surroundings become a blur and for a moment I lock on to his piercing yellow eyes. The pleasure he has in seeing me squirm under his gaze, widens his smirk. He lets the boy drop on the ground. I hear his body collapse with the ground but I stand frozen on the spot, unable to move a muscle.

'Still wondering what can be?' His hissing voice gets under my skin. 'Something perhaps to ease the pain…?'

 _Pain? I have no pain… ?_

I feel my hands tremble.

'What are you talking about?' I bite out, trying to take control of the situation again.

'You've tried but to no avail…' I've never seen him so close. I widen my eyes when I feel his breath on my cheek, wondering what on earth he was doing. '…you crave for _more_ ,' he finishes with a hiss.

'…more?' I echo, feeling myself go slightly weak.

'To _create_ … I can help you if you help me,' he goes on. His cold hand grabbing my chin. 'All you have to do is leave everything.'

I stare at him questionable, wondering what he was offering me. Feeling myself think about it like I had done last time…

'A being to love you _unconditionally_.'

I feel emotions run havoc inside my mind and body. Feeling my breath stagger and my hands tremble even more. I haven't been this weak since… since last time.

Insecurity was still feasting upon me, making me question every question. No matter how much I turn it around, there were certain things I could not deny its existence of. Feelings inside of me I could not fight.

I can't help but to think back to the night I had with Sasuke.

My strange attraction to Kakashi.

My inexcusable weaknesses to keep letting myself fall in this endless pit of obscurity…

I close my eyes, hoping to block out his manipulative tongue but all it does is making me feel aware of how my mind is spinning. I feel nauseated by it.

'I could use your knowledge,' he hissed in my ear. 'Let you have what you _truly_ want.'  
'And what would that be?' I hear my voice crack which makes me open my eyes again. I then realize I'm letting him get too close to me, his mouth is touching my ear.

'You don't see it, do you?' he asks. I could hear him smirk. 'To be a mother.'  
 _  
_'A-a mother?' I ask confused.

'To love them inexcusably, unconditionally… like they would love you.'

I pull my head away from him and gape at him for a moment.

'I could _use_ someone like you,' he then says. His voice is starting to sound like a soft, caressing whisper. Telling me endlessly what I need to hear.

I'm such an easy prey for a predator like you, I think senselessly to myself. I feel myself fall. As if I'm in a daze.

' _You get_ what _you_ _want_ …'

It almost sounds like a promise.

I consider it. A taunting voice tells me, no matter what I do or say or how much I want things to be different, it is all too complex. Something cannot be undone. Somethings cannot be unsaid.

I think of Sasuke's control over me. Our love-hate relationship that only seemed to grow more complex as we aged.  
I take a deep breath of air when thinking of Kakashi, feeling my insides tingle when merely thinking of him. Of things that could _never_ be.

People that meant so much to me yet at the same time were sometimes so far removed from me.

'Come with me.'

A command yet asked as plea.

Why was I falling so easily? …because of what he was saying?

'S-Sakura-sensei!'

The boy's voice snaps me out of my haze. I widen my eyes when I see him looking at me.

He still looked so scared.

'Whatever he says, please don't listen…'

I take a step back, away from the man. Orochimaru's amuse fades and his expression turns cold. His eyes wary on mine. He seems to be aware that the spell is broken.

I think of the first time I met him and how much he had scared me. Sasuke was back then probably scared too but I only realize that now. I squint my eyes at the sight, seeing the boy depend on me. There was no-one to save him but me.

Scowling at myself for letting the words of a serpent get to me, I take another step back.

I stare at his yellow eyes.

 _I_ was never your prey. You only search for those with doubt in their hearts because it makes them so easy to deceive.

I won't let you have it your way _again._

'I'm not letting you have anything,' I coldly state.

Not me. Not the boy. Not even the medicine lying several meters from us, that you for some reason decided to drop.

I made a decision months ago that I can no longer dwell on myself. That I have others to take care of now.

And, yes. Sometimes I would still catch myself dwelling on certain matters but…

'I'm already loved,' I tell him. 'Just like everyone else, it's just too bad you don't see that.'

'Don't make me laugh,' he merely hisses back.

I summon all of my chakra to my right hand. I can't believe I let myself fall so easily. I then block the doubt in my own heart. The time has come to do it differently. These kids… they give me more than I could ever ask for. Not just love or friendship. The feeling of importance, of being a central person in someone's life. Something I have never felt before.

So I'll be damned if I let them down.

I charge. My feet barely touching the ground at the speed I was going. My fist collapses with his face and I see his demonic features disfigure. The force throws him back and he flies through several trees. It stays deadly quiet after the destructive mess I created.

'And stay down,' I yell while gasping for air. I used more chakra then I normally would've.

But I don't just see him as a mere enemy. Perhaps I see him as the loathsome demon that quietly started all the chaos I found myself in.

I kneel down next to my student and put his arm around my neck. His grateful smile makes my heart flutter and I give him a small smile back. I whisper that we need to get out. He grabs the medicine and nods. I jump up and recruit the rest of our team.

The girls bicker about who gets to help him carry, while the boy gives me a bored look.

* * *

I have to halt for a moment, wiping the sweat of my brow. We need to take a break. Though he pulls up a tough act, I can tell the boy is exhausted too. So are the girls.

'But we need to keep going…' he mumbles back as he tiredly collapses to my side.

'We can spare a few hours of rest…' I look at other two. 'We all could use some sleep.'

'Not here,' he then notes. 'Out in the open.'

I nod, thinking of what to do. I warily turn around when I feel a presence coming toward us. I grab a kunai and wait for the person to appear. Orochimaru hadn't dared to follow. Though I doubted he could get up after that punch. But of course that didn't mean he couldn't send his men after us. I glared at the incoming intruder.

I prepare myself, telling the girls to get behind me and help get the boy up.

I can see his yellow eyes in the distance. He coming right at me. I'm honestly shocked he send him.

'Mitsuki,' I grit my teeth in anger. I hate how he plays games like this. I don't want to fight this boy.

As his feet hit the ground before us, he immediately lifts his hands, baring he held no weapons or intentions to harm us. I stare at him in confusion and honestly didn't know what to do for a moment.  
This kid was not older then my students. Not a muscle in my body had the intention of ever hurting him.

If I could spare him, I would.

'Please don't, Sakura.'

I warily listen to what he has to say, using as few words as I could. I didn't want him to manipulate my emotions with his innocent façade. Sasuke had told me he had returned to Orochimaru so…

'Leave.' I simply say.

'I don't work for him,' he immediately argues back. 'I know Sasuke said so but it was a trick. I needed to go back to… take care of some _things_.' He seemed uncomfortable to share that information. His young eyes looked still innocent but I could see hurt in them. He had matured since the last time we spoke.

'Why should I trust you?' I simply state.  
He shrugs, uncertain of how to answer that question. For some reason, he does come off rather sincere.

'How did you find us?' I then ask.

'I keep track of what he does. I knew he was planning on getting that medicine, not to use it though…'

'He wants the elder to die…' Sakura muttered understanding Orochimaru's motive only now. Though he claimed he would no longer pose a threat towards Konoha, he never hid his resentment towards our leaders.

'How is he aware of such a personal situation…?' I ask myself, the elder was ill because of genetic inheritable disease, not poison or any threat caused by enemies.

'He still has spies everywhere. I can tell you who it is.'

I look up, lifting an eyebrow at him. He sure made it sound easy but I had no reason to believe him.

'I have hideout not too far from here,' he then states looking at the three kids behind me.

'And walk into a deathtrap?' one of the girls shrieked. I glance at her, nodding in agreement. I give Mitsuki a hard look but he seems unfazed.

'Sasuke is there,' he then nonchalantly adds.

'Nice try,' I laugh and turn around.

'He is there…' he repeats. 'You have to believe me.'

'Why would I do that?' I snap, having enough of people playing with my thoughts and emotions.

'Because I'm not… _evil_ ,' he swallows when saying that. His eyes look watery, as if he could cry any moment. I try to take a distance and simply turn around, signaling the others we indeed could not take a break. We needed to leave, as quick as possible.

'I know what he said,' he yells at me. 'Orochimaru,' he clarifies. 'I remembered what you said to him that night and… I am who I am because of you.'

I halt again, startled I turn back around. The girls are confused but the boy is listening intently to every word.

'You said you knew your worth and you didn't need him to tell you… I've thought about that so much.'  
My mouth slightly hangs open in disbelief, I thought he was unconscious back then, remembering the night quite well. It still haunted me from time to time. And I never thought I came off as brave back then.  
But he sure made it sound that way.

'You just told him no,' he continued, obviously finding the word powerful.  
'You said you didn't want anything he offered… You said no to his promises of power and… I-I never thought I would meet a person like you. I thought everybody craved the same thing. That everybody was just hungry and people like him could only feed us...'

'Mitsuki,' I say and shake my head in disbelief.

'I don't want him to create any more… _things_ like me.'

'You're not a _thing_ ,' I immediately argue back, hating how he was belittling himself.

'I am,' he said nodding with certainty, making it obvious my words would have no influence. 'But I know who I am and what I am. I've come to know my worth on this earth… I'm here to stop _him_. That is why I've been created.'

'Don't talk like that,' I mutter softly, unable to say more meaningful words. I'm a bit taken back by his speech. His aura has changed, becoming more fierce and less soft-spoken. I had obviously unleashed something inside of him and I was in shock my words had meant so much to him.

'I'm certain Orochimaru was actually just looking for you… Trying to make you fall for it again,' he said. I see his yellow eyes flash from mine to the boy behind me, making me aware that the situation I had found myself earlier in had been a recreation from the past in order to make me waver and fall to his will.

That vile serpent.

'I think he thinks you're the key to Sasuke, to the Sharingan…'

I look up in shock.

I'm so sick of this.

'I'm not _the key_ to anything.'

'I know,' he simply answers as if he knows exactly what I am talking about.

'No, you don't,' I dreary answer him. I let out a sigh, not knowing what to do. We could use the rest... Mitsuki appeared trustworthy but my mind was in deep doubt, afraid I would lead these kids into further danger.

Mitstuki suddenly bowed deep. 'You healed me and I am still very grateful for that. Just please let me return the favor by helping you now.'

I walked towards him, bowing myself so only he could hear me.

'Why would I believe anything you say?' I whisper to him.

'The deception of doubt can be crude but you showed me how to defy the feeling…' His yellow eyes looked up into mine. 'I never forgot you, Sakura,' he whispered back.  
He gave me the same endearing smile he had given me when we had parted. I remember thinking of him having a much more colder persona but now he was so respectful and kind towards me.

Had I done that to him?

I straighten up. 'Why is Sasuke at _your_ hideout?'

'He needed my help and I needed his.'

* * *

This chapter ended up being a lot longer than I had thought… Hope you enjoyed it, leave a comment/review with your thoughts!


	18. Honesty

**Chapter XVIII: Honesty**

We follow Mitsuki all the way to his "hideout", which is nothing more than an abandon lake house. The girls keep giving me wary glances while the boy keeps quiet, trusting me on my decision. He obviously is also relieved to get some rest, he got beat up pretty badly and no matter how much he tried to hide it, he was exhausted.

Mitstuki opens the door for us, telling us Sasuke is inside and aware of the situation. He had informed him of our team being the next potential target of Orochimaru.

'I had thought he'd come with me…' he muttered, glancing shyly at me when saying that. If he was worried about hurting my feelings, he didn't have to. It was actually quite alright, I even felt what had just happened had given me some clarity on my feelings for Sasuke, as strange as that may sounds.

I let him lead the way, stepping with mild caution behind him. I was still taking a huge risk. Yet Mitsuki did all he could to make me feel at ease. To my surprise the house is quite empty. He then guides me to the basement. I halt, quirking up an eyebrow. 'You don't expect us to go down _there_ , do you?'  
'Sasuke is down there too...' he answers tediously.

'You three wait here,' I say to my students. 'If I don't come back in five minutes, leave as fast as you can.'

'S-Sakura,' Mitstuki brings out my name with a stutter, his yellow eyes widening in surprise. Hardly able to hide his hurt, he then gives me an offended look. I shrug it off, telling him I can't be certain with him. I then, again, let him lead the way.

As we go down I start to see that this isn't some dirty, dingy basement. The further we walk, the more it starts to look like a home of some sorts. Some wood is plastered on the wall, probably to make it a little less cold and draft. I can see an open kitchen and a few rooms, no doors though or any fancy furniture.

'You and your students could rest over there,' Mitstuki says, pointing at one of the rooms. 'Should I go get them?'

'They won't listen to you. I'll go get them myself,' I answer coolly. 'Where is Sasuke?'

'I didn't think he'd be able to convince you,' he speaks up from behind me. His voice is rough and by the looks of it, he got into a fight. I take a look at him from head to toe. He seems _different_ , somehow.

He gives me an arrogant smirk when he sees me looking at him, to which I stay unresponsive.

'You don't have too much time on your hands, do you?' he then asks, reminding me we did have a deadline. A very _literal_ deadline. I click my tongue at the thought. But it couldn't be helped, I needed these kids to heal up first.

'I'll go get them,' I simply say ignoring their stares. Mitsuki watches Sasuke and then looks back to me. He nods and mutters he'll make some tea for us.

I give ourselves tree hours. I simply can't give them anymore rest then that.  
They eat, heal each other and bicker. I smile when watching them, they _did_ remind me of team seven. Not personality wise but just… the closeness. The friendship. The next best thing to family.

 _I had almost thrown that away…_ I lower my gaze and stare at myself in the tea I'm holding in my hands. I bite the inside of my cheek. _Orochimaru… I might despise him but he had struck a nerve._

Do I want to become a mother..?

I don't feel ready yet…

I look back up at the trio. I instruct them to go get some rest.

 _I almost gave you guys up a few hours ago…_

Yet because of what had happened, I felt as if something inside of me had changed. Something vital.

I vowed myself to never let them down again. I wouldn't ever succumb to doubt again. I nod at the thought.

I won't be able to help or save you all the time but I will never stop trying…

 _I promise._

'You seem very fond of them,' Sasuke states, coming to stand next to me. His arm brushes mine. I glance at it for a moment, noting he is intentionally getting close to me. I sigh, feeling my temper rise a little, I didn't want his closeness for the moment. I take a good look at him, wanting to see his expression. But it unreadable as always. Maybe he isn't quite sure how to act himself.

But it was that I was angry that he had left that night. I had expected it. I just hated he seemed to be so unaware of what this all did to me. I had hated myself for a while, not understanding why I had given in without a second thought. I had slowly learned to accept it and tried to not feel… too much about it. But that was easier said than done. I swallow and shove the tiring repetitive thoughts to the back of my mind.

We chitchat about nothing, avoiding the atmosphere hanging in the air. Mitsuki shortly talks to me before going out to get us some supplies before we leave. He's being most helpful and I tell him he doesn't have to out of his way but he insists. He promises he can be back within the hour.

He also tells me I'm wonderful instructor and endearingly continues on to tell me how I changed him.

And every word said, changes me.

I listen to him talk and almost think he's talking about someone else. Apparently my defiance towards Orochimaru was quite a shock to him. I can hear Sasuke shift uneasily next to me. As if the story he's telling is making him feel uncomfortable.

'I thought no one would ever say no to him… No one could escape him.'

I shyly go with my hand through my hair, I never looked at myself that way.

Brave. Bold. Defiant.

'You just healed me without a thought,' he says in awe, while giving me an utter most grateful look.

Warm.

Caring.

I'm almost in awe of myself.

But it wasn't like I wasn't aware of these qualities, I was a medic after all. But still, I didn't think someone like Mitsuki would ever be affected by them. Mostly boys like him just… shrug it off. _Leave_.

'I promise to be back within the hour, so you'll have no delay,' he eventually says.  
'It isn't necessary,' I tell him again. Chances were small we'd run into trouble again.  
'I insist,' he then repeats with a smile. 'Make yourself comfortable and don't forget to rest a little too.'

He bids us goodbye and I leave standing alone next to Sasuke in the open kitchen. It stays silent for a while before he grabs my hand and pulls me along. I pull my hand loose and throw him a glare, not understanding what the hell he thinks he's doing. He then points at the room where my students are taking a nap. He places his finger on his mouth, telling me to keep quiet.

Taking my hand, more gently now, he guides me towards the room he came from earlier.

He obviously wants to talk privately.

'Sasuke—' I abruptly get cut off by him. 'I apologize for leaving the way I did…'  
I stay silent for a split second. 'I didn't want to leave.' 'But you did,' I immediately point out.  
'Sakura, I already told you, I don't want us to part—'Part?' I ask with a heavy sigh. 'We're not together.'  
'Don't be mad at me,' he then says, lightly touching my hair. 'And that's _not_ what I meant.'

I feel numb, thinking about all the things I've already said to him to make him understand. To make me understand myself better. Words had been said, over and over.

I was so tired of _this_.

'I know what you must be thinking and I want you to know that...' He places his forehead on mine. I stay silent, waiting for him to explain himself further. He lets out a sigh that tickles my face. I keep my eyes on his.

'I have to say this now, before I…' he halts a little, obviously feeling uneasy sharing this. 'I think,' he lets out a sigh, 'I'm ready to come home now.'

I smile at him, touching his hair now too. I pull him into an embrace and I hold on to him a little longer. I then take a good look at him when straightening up. I think about our night together. I felt that evening I had gotten a glimpse of all the things that could've been.

How my life would look with you. Not just imagining it.

To cook with you, eat with you. To do a daily chore with you.

To sleep in your arms.

'Why did you ask for me?' I ask him, a burning question that has been plaguing my mind for a long time.

I can tell he is confused, so I explain myself.

'When Mitsuki got poisoned… _Why_ did you ask for _me_ to come?'

He looks away for a moment, finally letting go of me. He licks his lips, obviously thinking about what to say. 'Because you were the right medic for the job.'

I give him a look of pure disbelief, shake my head and let out a tied sigh when hearing the half lie.

'I could tell,' he then quickly starts, not wanting to push me away. 'You were unhappy... I guess I just wanted you to... I guess I thought if we'd spend some time together you'd become happy again, like you used to do when we were younger...'

 _We're not kids anymore, Sasuke._

'But I can honestly say that it didn't go as I had planned. You told me things I didn't want to hear and made me aware certain things were never going to be same.'

You still hold on to my hand, squeezing it lightly.

'I saw you falling deeper and deeper… I could see your darkness but instead of letting me in, you beat me up quite badly while pointing out I was partly to blame for it. Though, Mistuki is certainly right about your… _strengths_ , you are very capable of giving others what they _need_. You do seem to have hard time deciding on what _you_ truly want.'

Though my expression is stoic, I feel all sorts of things inside. Mostly relief. Honesty. I've longed for it for so long that I almost thought it was nothing but a mere illusion.

'I want you to know that I do find you attractive,' he then bluntly states. 'I know I should probably give you some space but I can't help it.' He cups my face and I can feel him pull me closer to him but I resist him, standing put.  
'Sakura, I just want to take away what I gave you…'

You finally tell me how _you feel_.

Yet today with Orochimaru something revealed itself to me. I've been wandering around for so long this past year, that I have overlooked what I finally got. And I need you to understand…

'You still haven't learned?' I ask lightly. 'No one can do that. You have to do it yourself.'

I realize now that I do always give others what _they need_.

He retreats his hand slowly from mine, aware I wasn't going to say what he wanted to hear.

I followed you, longed for you, waited for you. All the thing you needed to fight off the bitter feelings inside.

'Your friendship with Naruto changed you but in the end it was you who had to accept it. So no one can take away the darkness, _you_ have to let light in at the end.'

I shake my head at him. 'We'll meet people who don't want our help and some can't even be _helped_.'

'Sakura,' he gasps, afraid that my speech will take a turn to the worse. But I hush him, smiling for thinking I was talking about myself. I was actually just making a general observation.

These last six months, despite the ups and downs revolving around you, had been quite nice. I had feared, loved, laughed and _lived_.

I had pondered about this meeting, how it would be, what would be said. But only just now my heart somehow managed to word the emotions and transference them to my mind. All I had to do now was use my mouth to word them out loud.

Maybe I should've done this almost a year ago, when I told you how I then felt.

You were right, I did take my distance from you but that didn't mean I was unhappy, I just felt empty because I couldn't seem to be able to fill in the gap you left.

'I won't be waiting for you any longer,' I say shaking my head in pity at him.

I do always seem to give people what they need… You needed me to get you home. A reason to come back. An open door waiting for you.

'Don't get me wrong, I will always be your friend and teammate… but if I let you in any closer, you will only continue to cause _chaos_ in my life.'

I can't be something I'm not. Your patiently waiting calm light in the dark.

I'm my own person. I'm unsteady, erratic and sometimes oversensitive… and I can't handle being with you.

You take a step back and huge gap is between us now. A gap that has always been but I've only now come to terms with it. 'I will always love you.. from a distance.'

A silence lingers.

'I have what I truly want now, Sasuke.'


	19. Scared of lonely

**Chapter XIX: Scared of lonely**

I tiredly throw the book on the table and stretch out. These last few weeks had been dreadful, one mission after another. My students weren't complaining but I could tell a few days off was most welcome. Though I loved going out, I was more on edge with them then when I was out on a regular mission. So I too was tired.

Maybe it was because I now realized I couldn't depend on anyone else to help, Orochimaru had made me aware of that. It was I now who was the teacher, after all. I had grown accustomed to it but it was still a learning progress. I thoroughly enjoyed it though. I felt like I was growing everyday a bit more into the person I wanted to be.

Not only as a person but I felt I had grown more as a kunoichi too. I was sharper, more aware of how the shinobi world was still functioning. It was fascinating to see how times had changed and yet at the same time see how scars of the past could not be so easily erased. It was process of change and we were in the midst of it.

I sleepily stare out the window, telling myself to stop thinking and go to bed but I'm too lazy to actually start moving. I hug my knees and yawn again. 'Ok, time for bed,' I mutter to myself.

When a hooded face appeared before my window I let out a scream, falling almost out of my own couch. He hushes me but stupidly loses his grip on my window frame by doing so. I hear a bit of rumbling and run to the window. I then peek out of the window to see if he is still there or not. He's holding on with one arm. When he looks up at me I'm surprised to see his face.

'Kakashi-sensei?' I whisper in awe.

'Shh!' he hushes me, looking around if nobody was seeing him. I stretch out a hand to help him. He acts a bit odd. It almost looks as if he's on the run for something…

'What are you doing?' I ask him when I pull him in. He immediately turn us around, making my back face the window and hide him behind my figure.

'I wanted to see my favorite student…' he mutters. I quirk up an eyebrow. 'Oh, really?'

'Yes,' he nods, giving me a, probably cheesy, smile that is hidden underneath his mask.

I cross my arms and give him a look.

'How is life?' he ask lightly. I see him glance over my shoulder a little.

'Who are you hiding from?' I ask, turning my head as well. There is no one there.

'No one,' he immediately answers. He then starts coughing. He sounds pretty bad and I worriedly place a hand on his back. 'You're sick,' I point out.  
'No, no,' he mutters and shrugs it off. He then pulls out a piece of paper out of his back pocket.  
'Could you sign this?' he then asks hastily.

I grab it and read it, ignoring his protest.

'I can't sign this without examining you…' I say, getting a little angry with him, knowing exactly what he is trying to pull off.

'It's command,' he then says, showing no sign of humor. I roll my eyes at his lame attempt.  
'You _can't_ command me to sign a paper, especially one stating you are capable of working when you're obviously not…'

'I'm fine, Sakura,' he says shrugging it off again. 'You're medic but you know how my life is…'

'Did you take _some time off_ like the doctor had prescribed?' I ask, feeling like an old nagging woman when doing so. I almost catch myself tapping my heel on the floor but stop myself just on time.

'It was just the flu,' he points out.

'Flu can lead to various other diseases, including pneumonia! Which sounds like it!' I yell out. 'You need lots of rest, _no stress_! You need to take some time off—are you _hiding_ from a medic?' I then ask him, realizing that was who he was running from.

'I fall asleep on my desk,' he dryly answers instead.  
'That must be most comfortable…' I say rolling my eyes again. 'I thought you said you had an assistant?'  
'She can't sign papers.'  
'She can _read_ them and tell you about them…'  
'But I still need to read them myself,' he then says.  
'You don't trust her?' I ask in disbelief.  
'You never know, she might've skipped something or misread—'You need to learn to let go of these thoughts and trust her, Kakashi…'

'I'm aware,' he dryly says. He looks so tired as if he could fall asleep any moment.

'I'll take a look at you but I'm not signing that paper just yet!'

'You're lucky…' I mumble, signing the paper. 'Do take it easy,' I then add. 'I mean it, if it weren't for you I wouldn't sign it though…'  
'I'm the Hokage,' he points out. 'I can't take nap in the middle of the day.'  
'You are also human, which makes you capable of becoming ill from time to time.'  
'Sunagakure is holding the Chunin-exams, it would be unheard of for me to not show up,' he then enlightens me.  
I think about it for a moment. 'Well, the sun should do you some good…'  
'It's sunny here too,' he flatly points out.  
'Not like in Suna,' I answer sharply.

He then just smirks at me and I can't help but laugh it off myself.

'Are you going to let your students participate?' he then asks grabbing the book I was reading off of my table.

'You think they are ready for that?' I ask in surprise.

He thinks about it for a moment, letting himself slouch in my couch a bit further. I stretch out again, noting my table is bit hard to sit on.

'You did great,' he says while nodding in thought. 'I think you should at least give it a try, I'm certainly willing to give them a chance.'

I nod, thinking about it a bit more myself.

'Sakura,' Kakashi starts. I look up finding him looking a bit uneasy. 'Sasuke… he officially _lives_ here now.'

'I know,' I say with a nod. 'We… we are what we are.' I then shrug, not feeling like explaining it all to him.

'I feel that you are more aware of what you want,' he quietly says, obviously observing me and how I had just reacted. I'm grateful he doesn't pressure on about Sasuke.

' _I am_.'

The answer comes off more mysterious then I had wanted and my tone is a bit more daring than I had intended. But then again, it was him searching me out. He didn't have to come here…

He smirks in reaction but ignores my words. 'Do you… do you feel better?' he asks changing the subject. 'I certainly see difference in you but how do you _feel_?'

I reflect a little. I used to feel like I was swinging my arms around aimlessly, I was angry at a lot of things. Mostly myself. But maybe I was just trying to fight off… emptiness. I was feeling like I was running out of time or rather that time wasn't moving at all. I wasn't getting where I wanted to be.

I was too afraid to move forward but so very exhausted of standing still.

'I dared to move… and I stumbled and fell,' I answer with a grin, which was obviously fake. I lower my eyes and take a deep breath. I wasn't content with how it went but it happened and perhaps that was the most important part. I was here, where I wanted to be.

'Yeah… I stumbled a lot too,' he said looking a bit upset himself.

I immediately knew who he was talking about. Obito. I could tell a part of him regretted the fact that he was no longer around, though he had unknowingly been alive for so long, the moment they found each other again they had to immediately part again. For good this time.

Though he didn't say it, Kakashi did blame himself a little. Perhaps it was in our DNA to feel guilty about life's events. I put a hand on his knee, giving it a reassuring squeeze. He goes with his hands through his hair, letting out a heavy sigh.

'I didn't mean for _you_ to stumble,' he mutters to me.

'I know.'

We stare at each other a little before he sits up.

I still warm up inside whenever he puts his arms around me. Closing my eyes, I hold on a little longer then I should.

'You don't have to be scared,' he whispers in my hair.

'Why didn't you say that months ago…?' I whisper back.  
'I'm not very good with these things…'

I snicker when hearing him say that.

We both get startled by knock on my door. I stare warily at the door, wondering who it could be so late at night. When I hear another knock and soft girly voice calling out my name, I relax.  
'One of my students,' I explain while finding it now a bit odd to take distance from him.

'Ha,' he laughs. 'At least yours reach out to talk to you… I always had to chase them around.'

'I _never_ made you chase me,' I answer in a hurt voice. He immediately smirks in response.

It is unfamiliar smirk to me, inclined for more adult moments. I simply mischievously smirk back.

Another knock. She sounded upset. 'Sakura-sensei?'

'I have to go, you should go talk to her…' he advices me. He holds up the piece of paper and thanks me again but not before adding that he will listen and take it easy.

 _Ha, I've trained him as well as he has trained me_ , I triumphantly think to myself with a snicker.

Yet I sigh at the aching question burning on my tongue now. 'Kakashi…?' I start hesitantly, grabbing his arm. He halts, patiently waiting for the talk. 'I know you said…' I swallow nervously. 'I now it _can't_ but…'  
But before I can ask the question he leans into my ear and whispers, 'Maybe in a few years when you're older and our days are long forgotten. When I'm even older and you'll then probably think I'm _too old_ and pretend to have forgotten this whole idea.'

I laugh and he leaves without saying another word to me, back out through the window. I see him jumping from rooftop to rooftop and he disappears into the night.

'Goodnight, Kakashi,' I say biting my lip. I guess time could only resolve us… but I wasn't complaining, I didn't mind holding on to this weird chemistry a bit longer. Maybe he was right, maybe I'd lose interest or meet someone. Or maybe it would just fade off.

I then run to my door and open it up quickly. I find my student standing before my door with teary eyes and disgruntled expression, needing someone to talk to. I let her in my home, offer her something to eat and-or drink. I listen and I try to help.

I comfort her.

* * *

I was scared for so long. I was _scared of lonely_.

Seeing that only shadow on my blank walls. Hearing only my own heartbeat.

At times I swear I couldn't breathe.

And I guess I thought I needed someone to hold me, to make that change, to make me _feel_ again… Sasuke had stretch his hand out for mine but… I needed so much _more_ than that.

See, I used to think I was not living life. I used to wait for a person, a feeling a or a goal to come along.

And then no matter how much I tried to change, I felt like I couldn't run from those dark thoughts and feelings.

I look before me and see my students waiting for me at the gates. Impatiently looking around for me.

Those feelings won't disappear so easily. Depression, insecurity, loneliness…

Above else, one simply can't do it _alone_. It takes people. Conversations. Events.

I no longer desire to take others "darkness" away, simply because it cannot be done so easily.

Hurt is feeling created over time, so it would need time to fade again too.

So I gave myself a few more years to do so.

'Sakura-sensei!' One of the girls happily greets me.  
'Where are we going?' the other one asks excitingly.  
'I heard the chunin-exames are coming up,' the boy mutters, giving me a meaningful look. I ignore his gaze.

'Are _we_ entering?' he then asks arrogantly, though it was more to hide his obvious curiosity.

Sometimes things don't go as planned. I wasn't exactly who I thought I'd be.

'Nope,' I say.

I allowed myself to be a bit selfish from time to time. One could see it as giving into a dark feeling.

Though if anyone ask, I would say more training was due.

'Can I take lead!?' the loud girl asks me excitingly.  
'No!' the other one answers disapprovingly.

'Girls,' I strictly say, hushing them immediately. I take good look at the two.

I'm not ready to be a mother yet though I find myself being one at times. I have to suppress a grin, thinking about my own mentor, who was practically a mother to me.

My heart still flutters when thinking how they'll care about me one day as much as I care about her.

'You take lead,' I say to the boy.

'Where are we going?'

I shrug. 'Wherever that scrolls says we're going,' handing him over the mission.

I find myself to be a in beautiful state, somewhere between searching and finding.

We start running.

The leaves of the high top threes create a beautiful pattern on us. The sun shining brightly in between, warming us up as we go. I smile, looking at the boy before me while then taking a glance at the two bickering girls behind me.

I found a place in between the shadows.

I still get scared of being lonely but I've finally found an anchor to make me hold my ground.

* * *

And there it is. I hope you enjoyed it! THANK YOU for all your support! Don't forget to review one more time!

 **A few words about the story** : I just wanted to say that this story is very tumult for a reason, it is so you would understand the hardship of loneliness and what it does to a person. I hope you understand the ending is all about what Sakura wants which turns out to be a rather simple thing. She just wanted her life to have color again. Live and be freed of her own mind. She completely understand life has its ups and downs and accepts that she herself even creates a certain complexity to it (her affection for Kakashi for example).  
Her never ending devotion to Sasuke continued to exist because she kept holding on to being someone she wasn't, or rather her uncertainty to who she wanted to be. In the end she realized she can't be herself with him (which is of course only in this fanfiction, so hush!). Her encounters with Orochimaru and Mitsuki point out how very different she is from him. And that's kind of the gist of it in short… I don't know I just kind of wanted to share that. But I'd love to know your thoughts and how you feel about this story!

And to those who wanted to see her with a _certain someone_ , I might write a one-shot about that… but I don't know yet.

 **Thank you so much for reading!**

Love,

Aurvelia.


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